Cardboard Monsters
by SpyVsTailor
Summary: After suffering the slings and arrows of a crooked doctor at Arkham, the Riddler decides that revenge is indeed a kind of wild justice.
1. I'm Going Slightly

**This story has nothing to do with my Twelve Days of Riddler series. Think of it as me starting anew with a whole new universe.  
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**If I haven't said it by now and it needs to be said, nothing familiar within these stories is mine. (That was a disclaimer).**

**...but I mean, really. You know what site you're on, if you think any of this is mine, then you're smoking the good stuff. You know what I mean? (I mean the dope or whatever the heck you kids are calling it nowadays...with your rock n' roll eight-track tapes and your Perry Como).**

**As with my other stories, I don't follow a particular universe, but merely use the characters. Erm...Batman will always be Bruce Wayne to me and...that's all you should know (without ruining anything). And yes, I'm writing a wee bit of Two-Face into this story, because he's awesomesauce on cake, so go fleece a sheep if you don't like him! (Don't actually do that.)**

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><p><strong>Cardboard Monsters<br>**

**Chapter One: I'm Going Slightly  
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****Edward**  
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It was about eight forty-eight in the evening.

Edward Nygma, lanky and tall, was stretched out on the Spartan cot in his very cold, very clinical cell, staring at the ceiling, pondering space and time.

The roughly hewn blankets scratched at the bare flesh of his forearms where he had rolled his off white, long sleeved undershirt up over the drab grey short sleeves of his Arkham inmate scrubs. He looked rumpled and ragged, but still very much his dashing self.

The asylum was both hot and cold, the temperature varied from therapy room, to lunch room and all spaces in between.

As it was, his cell was cold on the East side and hot on the West, but since his cot was bolted down to the cement floor, his only option for lounging was to simply roll his sleeves up while vacationing in Tahitian hell, before pulling them back down for the long, cold trek through the Artic halls for his meetings with therapists and psychologists and doctors and lawyers and all manner of people who wanted to poke and prod him (or his wallet).

Drawing the constellation of Cassiopeia in the air above him, his long, elegant finger paused at HIP 6686 in the formation at the rattling sound of the elevator arriving on the floor. The sounds of it's dry, grating pulleys wafted down the white hall, touching the ears of all the inmates on 3-B.

He was tempted to go to the door to try and catch a glimpse of the going's on like all the other inmates, but resisted the urge, not wanting to become just another gawping mug among a sea of gawping mugs.

But when the crass gaggle of low-brow miscreants began cat-calling, his interest became piqued and he grudgingly got to his feet to investigate the source of the noise.

Unlike the other uncouth morons, he refused to plaster his face eagerly against the bars of his door, opting instead to stand quietly beside it, keeping an eye out for the source of the excitement.

Presently Doctor Liddell came into sight, along with a beautiful brunette.

Edward sneered ever so. The woman obviously knew she was going to be walking down a hall lined with desperate prisoners - most of whom hadn't even sniffed a woman in years - and she wore the shortest skirt possible that displayed long, beautifully tanned legs.

"And of course on your left is prisoner 9273-292804, Edward Nygma, also known as-"

"The Riddler," the woman said, studying Edward like one would study a monkey in a zoo. "Of course."

"Clever girl," Edward said coolly. "But of course dolphins are clever as well and look where they end up."

Doctor Liddell tapped his tazer baton sharply against the door as a warning. "That's enough, Edward."

"Et tuna, Brute." Edward replied simply.

Turning his back foolishly on the Riddler, Doctor Liddell began pontificating to the young woman. "Edward wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for his extreme arrogance. It's his Achilles heel to incriminate himself through clues." The good doctor shot Edward a cold look over his shoulder. "Not that brilliant if you ask me."

It was exactly two months prior that Doctor Liddell and Edward had a falling out. The doctor pushed too far into Edward's past and the Riddler pushed back. Hard.

Touching his fingertips together, Edward smiled winningly. "Why, my mind is sick, doctor. You've said so yourself. A broken clock still tells the time, and twice a day it's usually correct."

Quirking a brow, Doctor Liddell motioned the young woman away from the cell towards the one opposite the hall from Edward's.

"Inmate 3884-199390, Jonathan Crane."

"_Doctor_ Crane." Crane pointed out, appearing in the slats of his cell door. "I didn't study my ass off to have some two-bit hack of a psychologist ignore my well earned title."

"Did Doctor Liddell tell you he got his diploma out of a cereal box, Miss?" Edward purred.

"Come now, Edward," Crane replied. "He studied hard at the University of My-Parents-Bought-Me-This-Degree."

Doctor Liddell, flustered, took hold of the young woman and led her away from the two quickly, but not before the woman could flash a charming grin at the prisoners.

For the longest time Edward and Crane remained at their doors, before both slunk back into the darkness of their cells.

Edward resumed his position on the cot, studying time and space.

A new trainee that was that clueless about what she wore on the floor usually meant one thing.

Someone was either going to get busted out or the woman was about to become the newest addition to the rogue gallery.

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><p>It was only three minutes to midnight.<p>

Edward didn't have a clock, but he was sure it was three minutes to midnight because the guard ambled down the hall like a fat bull, peering into the rooms, checking on the prisoners right on schedule.

When the dumb ox poked his nose into Edward's cell, he found the Riddler in the middle of Beethoven's Fur Elise, playing with his fingers in mid air. He had to keep his mind sharp and if memorizing the music during his visits to the asylum library meant memorizing sheet music, then so be it. They weren't allowed to take the books back to their cells.

"Going mad yet?" The guard taunted.

"Not yet. You keep me sedated enough that I'm blissfully tranquil." He replied, fingers still caressing a ghostly piano.

"Doctor Liddell wants a word with you. Assume the position, freak." The guard ordered.

In most places where the prisoners were told to 'assume the position' it was probably the last thing one would want to hear on a dark, lonesome night. However, in Arkham it meant stand in the little yellow box on the floor and place your hands in the little yellow circles on the wall, lest you get tranq'd.

Edward did just that, as the guard unlocked the door.

Liddell entered.

He was a short, wiry little blond fellow who hadn't the brains nor the muscles to try anything without a guard or two backing him.

"Edward," Liddell said softly, perching on Edward's cot. "You were very rude to my guest today."

"On the contrary, Doctor, I thought I was quite charming." Edward replied.

The tazer baton's handle cracked across Edward's ribs and he flinched, but refused to make any sound other than a surprised grunt.

"You know, I have been placed in a very delicate position here at Arkham, Edward." Doctor Liddell went on. "I feel so much for the prisoners here, yet I can't help but feel they're beyond help. All I can do is watch the animals here and keep them in line."

"You could certainly print that on an inspirational poster and stick it on a cubicle wall, doctor."

"I try to have patience with you, Edward. But your ego is as big as your mouth."

"May I ask a question, doctor? Before you get your goons to beat me about the head and neck again…"

"Edward, we discussed this. Last time you lashed out at me, the guards were merely doing their duty."

"And who'd trust an inmate, I know the rigmarole. I've made the assumption that after the situation in your office, the night I broke your hand, the outcome was going to be that one of us was going to die."

"Well, you did test at genius levels." Liddell said. "I can't quite argue with you there, Edward."

Edward chuckled. "I did test at genius levels, didn't I?"

"Your question?"

"How do you know when it's the end?"

"Is this a riddle?"

"Of sorts. But I ask the questions, doctor. You provide the answers." He repeated his question. "How do you know when it's the end?"

"Of what?" Liddell demanded. "Edward, I never cared for riddles, could you just ask me a normal question like a normal human being?"

"This is normal, doctor. I'm sick in the head." He chuckled. "It's normal for Crane to find beauty in fear, it's normal for the Joker to find comedy in tragedy and it's normal for me to speak in riddles. But then again, doctor, isn't the world one giant riddle?"

Somewhere in Arkham an explosion rocked the third floor.

Liddell was on his feet. "What the hell was that?"

Without wasting time, Edward took hold of the tazer baton still resting threateningly at his side and snapped the guard's wrist. As pandemonium took control, Liddell fled the room, leaving Edward with a wounded guard and another approaching him.

Down the halls inmates were cheering and screaming and enjoying the moment as smoke filled B wing, rising up into the third floor from the floors below.

Someone was breaking out and Edward was going to seize the opportunity to get back at that little rat fink Liddell.

The approaching guard held his own tazer baton like it was a sword and Edward laughed, suddenly drawing himself up out of his attack position, standing cavalierly near his cell toilet.

"I'm sorry, did I make a mess of things?"

The guard didn't hesitate to throw himself at the prisoner, but Edward darted out of his path and stuck him in the ribs with the baton.

The pig squealed as his bacon fried and Edward smirked darkly.

He wasn't a killer by nature, merely necessity, but a good zap never hurt any of the inmates, why would it harm a guard?

Kneeling he picked up the fallen baton, throwing it away from the guard who's wrist he had snapped (who had passed out from the pain) and hastily began undressing.

Across the hall from his cell, Crane peered out at him.

"Whatever are you doing?"

"Taking my moment, Jonathan." Edward replied, stripping off his shirts.

"I want in." Crane said.

Pausing, the Riddler eyed his long time friend.

"If I can get you out safely without hindering my escape."

Quickly, Edward stripped one of the guards and slipped into the uniform, pulling the riot helmet visor down over his face.

The keys for Crane's cell were at the nurse's station at the end of the hall by the elevator, he'd have to hope she was distracted by whatever the hell else was going on to ignore him.

Above his head the sirens whined, indicating someone had triggered the lock-down.

Edward slipped out of his cell in time for the door to close and lock on it's own.

A group of guards stormed down the hall, passing by him with a cursory glance.

"Is the patient secured?" One of them asked him.

Edward nodded and answered in a gruff voice that would blend in with the primates the asylum hired for guards. "Yep, put him to sleep like a little princess."

The guards moved on, in a hurry to check the entire floor.

Two steps into his flee for the nurses station another explosion rocked the asylum and he was thrown forward as the ceiling overhead crumbled.

"Security alert, cellblocks B through E!" The overhead speakers crackled. "All units lock down! Repeat lock down! Arkham is dead to all comers!"

Another explosion cut off the overhead speakers and threw Edward against the wall beside his cell door, he fell flat on his ass and coughed as the air was filled with dust and debris.

The cell next to Crane's was blown wide open, the plumbing from the toilet sprayed everywhere adding to the cement dust and creating a hell of a muck puddle.

Jonathan Crane calmly emerged from the gaping wound in Arkham, stepped over the muck and the corpse of the dead inmate to approach Edward. He was covered with the same detritus that was everywhere, but somehow looked like it was just another day in the park for him.

The two of them headed in the opposite direction that the guards had gone, moving towards the nurses station.

The poor woman behind the bulletproof plexiglass watched them approach with wide eyes.

Crane calmly folded his arms and leaned against the glass as another explosion tore apart the end of the hall.

"How does one get out of the black hole of Calcutta during a lock down?" Edward asked politely.

The woman's mouth moved like a fish gasping for water, before she squeaked.

It wasn't an intellectual squeak by any means.

Scoffing, Edward turned to Crane. "It's like she thinks we're going to eat her face, Jonathan."

Angling his head, Crane studied the speechless woman with a furrow in his pale brow.

"Parlez-vous anglais?" He tried.

From out of the mess down the hall, Jervis Tetch joined them. Quiet as almost always, blue eyes wide with amazement at the explosions.

The nurse worked her mouth some more as more inmates joined the two at the nurses station.

Sighing, Edward shrugged. There wasn't much he could do to get at her through the plexiglass without something more powerful than a tazer. "Well, we can't all be eloquent, hm?" He decided to try his luck at finding his own way out of the lock down, Crane and Tetch at his side.

They ran through the third floor, taking detours where they could.

Pulling the three of them to a stop in an interview room as a group of guards carrying semiautomatic weapons thumped noisily down the corridor outside, Edward frowned.

"How to escape hell when the devil has the gates locked?" He pondered.

Jervis chirped. "Through the looking glass."

For a second Edward thought that the Mad Hatter had perhaps skipped his meds for the day, but then he spied a two-way mirror on the wall across from where they hid.

He snapped his fingers. "Why, my slightly cracked hatter! Beyond the looking glass lies the tunnels for doctors and observing guests! It leads right down the rabbit hole into the front hall!"

Jervis smiled shyly.

Leaping to his feet, Edward grabbed hold of a heavy wooden chair and tossed it at the glass.

The chair bounced off harmlessly.

Stroking his chin, Edward eyed the rejected chair. "Perhaps something more powerful than a mere chair?"

"Perhaps a stronger tosser, Edward?" Crane suggested.

Outside they heard a commotion further down the corridor, then a bevy of gunshots.

Cautiously Edward moved to the door and peeked out. He drew his head back, before sticking it out further.

Down the hall a ways Two-Face stood over a mess of fallen guards, calmly securing a Kevlar vest to his chest, before stooping to pick up an automatic rifle.

Edward whistled low to catch his attention.

Shouldering the weapon, Two-Face approached.

"What?" He snarled.

"We have a way out," Edward greeted as the double sided man entered their sheltered room. "You have the muscle. How about we put our brains and brawn together?"

Sticking the grotesque side towards the group, Two-Face snarled. "Why would we do anything for you?"

Edward grabbed a hold of the man's head and turned it so that he was speaking to Harvey, the rational side. "Because I'm the only one here who knows how to bypass the security locks on the second floor to get to the first, Harvey."

Harvey Dent quirked a dark, elegant brow and turned Two-Face back on Edward. "Fine. But if things turn ugly we're using you as a human shield."

"From where I'm standing, things can't get much uglier," Edward replied.

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><p>The four of them huddled behind a shrub outside of Arkham.<p>

They were going to get away in a car, but the GCPD had already arrived and were blocking the entrance gates to the asylum, so they were creeping around back to where the guards kept a boat for escapees who decided to go by sea across the bay to Gotham.

It wasn't much for Two-Face to mow down the guards sent to secure the boat, he had the gun and the insanity that gave him the edge and now with a plethora of dead guards he had the additional ammo.

Clamouring onto the boat, Edward turned the stolen key in the ignition and the boat purred to life.

With the boat now wide awake, he tore away from the dock laughing merrily as Jervis gripped the seat he was in and muttered a panicked sound.


	2. I Want To Be Free

**Ubiquitous literacy - Hey, thanks a ton for your review. Always nice to hear from newcomers.**

**LittleBiscuit - Eddie does tend to have a terrible sense of humour at times. But we still love him. Thanks for the comment about my dialogue, it's nice to know that it's not terrible.  
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**gabbs - You wanted more, you get more!**

**jacksparrowlovesme - Hey, thanks for the review (and the double posting on your story, it was like having my cake and eating it off a naked Riddler too).**

**Violeta27 - I'm planning on bringing a lot more minor villains into this story. So far, I have a few chapters planned with Firefly (one of my favourite overlooked villains) and others. At least I think Firefly is overlooked...**

**eatingsupernoodles - That has to be one of the kindest things anyone's ever said about my work. Thanks!**

**Hush2.0 - Thanks for the review.  
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><p><strong>Chapter Two: I Want To Be Free<strong>

****Catwoman****

Gotham was stirred up like someone stuck a branch into a hornet's nest and wiggled it madly.

Across the bay Arkham's searchlights were lit up and the sirens could be heard faintly from where she perched on the rooftop of the cannery.

Twirling her whip idly, she scanned the turmoil from afar. Someone must have escaped as GCPD cars all flocked to that side of the bay in droves.

A buzzing sound caught her attention and she looked from the asylum to the black sea. A boat of sorts was heading her way, though she could barely see anything in the dark waters even with her goggles on.

Something struck the shore nearby and she saw a scene illuminated by the lights from the cannery as four men piled out of a boat, scrambling onto the sand and rocks.

"Who the hell let you drive?" Two-Face snarled.

Selina smirked as the pompous Edward Nygma angrily brushed sand from his trousers with quick, efficient swipes of his hands. "I got us to where we were going, didn't I? How the hell do you expect me to see in the dark? I pointed us towards lights and opened it up."

Smirking, Selina slipped off the roof. If there was one man in all of Gotham she loved to toy with, Edward Nygma was it.

For some reason they had always been almost amiable to each other. There were the odd instances where they came to fisticuffs, but generally they kept a respectful relationship.

Creeping up behind Eddie as he continued to growl and snarl at the passengers of what looked like his stolen boat, she pounced, wrapping her arms around him and up under his arms, she dug her claws into his pecs, they didn't get far, it seemed he was wearing an Arkham guard uniform complete with Kevlar vest.

He immediately froze up.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kick your ass and send you back to Arkham." She purred in his ear, sliding her claws away from his chest, looking for a place that wasn't so protected.

Eddie angled his head, pointed nose bumping against her cheek. "Selina? My dear woman, you almost gave me a heart attack."

Finding his side just under his arms vulnerable, she jabbed a clawed hand in there and he grunted.

"Give me a reason or I'll beat you up and send you back to Arkham by sea, gift wrapped." She replied, knowing his answer would be good. Eddie had that silver tongue that only lawyers and used care salesmen were blessed with.

He wriggled his torso away from her claws, so she jabbed the other clawed hand into his other side, pinning him between her claws.

"Ah, I'm a butterfly, Selina." He began. "I'm not meant to be placed in a jar and observed by a snot nosed brat with a degree."

Resting her forehead against his cheek, she leaned over his shoulder to peer at his companions. The Mad Hatter and Scarecrow she could take, but Two-Face had a mighty gun shouldered and she wasn't sure she could take all four at once. Not like she was seriously planning on ruining their night. There were certain criminals she liked and some that she didn't, and if it was anyone but Eddie she would have at least tried.

"That's not a very good reason, Eddie."

"It's Edward, actually. And if you send me back I'll wither and die like a rose denied water."

She smirked wickedly.

In her arms he had relaxed and she could feel him press back against her ever so.

Amused by him, she allowed him to take liberties. Eddie always was a gentleman, but under the three piece suits and bowlers, he was still a man. Still, he never seemed like any man she had ever met. He wasn't a chauvinist, he didn't chase tail like an old lecher, but there was always a silent sex appeal about him that intrigued her.

"You smell like a hospital." She replied, still holding him between her claws.

He angled his head as much as he could to look her in the eye. "They don't exactly allow Old Spice in Arkham. I hate to be crass, Selina dear, but it's been a good year and some since I had human contact and this position we're in isn't helping."

Shocked by his admission, she nearly pulled away, but then again she was there to toy with him.

"Longing for the female touch, Eddie?" She asked, voice soft and breathy.

"Edward. And not really, but you can't fault my body if it reacts positively to your assault. I'm merely giving a polite warning."

Releasing her prey, she wandered among the group, stroking Jervis under the chin, running her hand over Crane's chest on her way past, before settling against Two-Face's beautiful damaged side.

"You boys better get running, because I heard the bulls are going to start patrolling for runaways and they have hounds with them." She said.

Two-Face shrugged her off. "Fuck the GCPD!"

"Well spoken," Edward said, "however, she's right. We can't stand around here all night."

"We need a place to lay low for a while." Crane pointed out, cleaning his glasses with the edge of his scrubs. "Anyone have an old lair that hasn't been sniffed out by the police?"

Everyone looked amongst themselves.

The sound of approaching sirens interrupted their little group meeting and an Arkham prisoner van pulled up over the edge of the street backed by about three GCPD cruisers, shining bright search lights down onto the shore where the stood.

Everyone cringed at the light.

"Over here! Found them! Someone get on the radio to HQ!"

In the pandemonium that followed Selina found her wrist grasped by someone and was tugged out of the light into the shadows under a nearby boardwalk. Her boots sunk into the deep, wet sand as she was pulled, half dragged under the slats.

Shots rang out behind them, sounded like Two-Face started the party.

When they emerged from under the boardwalk, she found it was Eddie who had her by the wrist and she tugged it away.

"You're more trouble than you're worth," she snarled as they thumped across the rocky shore.

Beside her he grinned. "You're the one who had to taunt us a little."

"Down on the ground!" Someone shouted from behind them.

She glanced back to see a swarm of GCPD and Arkham guards on their tail.

"Fuck!" She spat.

Grabbing Eddie by the sleeve, she yanked him hard to the left and they began up the steep incline towards the street.

Gunshots nipped at their heels as she pushed and shoved Eddie up the hill ahead of her. Thankfully, they reached the street and took off, heading for a nearby alley.

In the dark of the alley, she grabbed hold of a fire escape.

Lights flooded the alley and a dozen uniforms stood at their backs. "Down on the ground now!"

Near the uniforms a cat jumped out of a hobo's make-shift house, drawing the attention of the tense men in uniform for only the slightest fraction of time, long enough for Selina and Eddie to leap up onto the fire escape.

She scurried the rest of the way up the escape to the roof, trying to save her own ass. Once on the roof she scrambled across it, leaping once she reached the edge and landing hard on the rooftop of another waterfront store.

She turned quickly and found Eddie struggling to get on top of the first roof.

Hesitating, she eyed her escape, then the Riddler dragging his carcass onto the rooftop. Growling, she leapt back across the void and slid across the gravel of the roof to take hold of his hand and heave him up with her.

Below them half the uniforms were already a third of the way up the fire escape while the other half trained their weapons on their companions from below.

Making sure Eddie was with her this time, she raced back for the other building, leaping and landing on the roof.

Across from her, he hesitated at the edge, but taking in the distance, sniffed and backed up before attempting to cross as well.

He was close to the edge, but he made it.

They took off across the rooftops, until they ran out of roof, then they scrambled down more fire escape, until finally they made it into an area of brief respite. They didn't rest, but it gave them the distance they needed to get away.


	3. Under Pressure

**LittleBiscuit - Wow, you have mad skills, girl! I hope you don't mind if I tell everyone here about your lovely work. I mean all of it, I perused your entire catalog of artwork. Also, I'm glad Selina stuck with Eddie as well, he isn't much of a scrambler, is he?**

**jacksparrowlovesme - Mou, you're a great writer! Don't put your work down, I'm really enjoying it. ^_^ Also, I'm hoping to cram more lesser known or over looked villains in this story. But only the ones I feel comfortable writing, some of them I don't much like, so I don't think I'd do a good job of them. You know? Jervis Tetch and Garfield Lynns are among my favourite of the overlooked villains, so they'll be popping up here, as well as Temple Fugate and others.**

**Violeta27 - Yes, with Eddie off his meds, he's going to be a little more arrogant and Riddleresque than usual.**

**bleedy - Sorry, no Mad Hatter in this chapter, but he will come back with a vengeance, I promise!**

**Robot521 - I agree with everything you said. ^_^**

**I've uploaded early, because I felt like it (also this chapter is a touch short). So...here you go.  
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><p><strong>Chapter Three: Under Pressure<strong>

****Edward****

It had been a month since he escaped Arkham and things were finally quiet enough for him to emerge from hiding.

The Society for the Preservation of the Wetlands was holding a rich wine and dine at the Gotham Opera House and he held three tickets.

Standing before the softly lit neo-gothic structure, he smiled broadly as his girls draped themselves over his shoulders.

"Geez, it looks like a palace," Query gushed. She was radiant in a bright purple gown that flashed and sparkled with a multitude of sequins and glitter.

On the other side of Edward, Echo sneered at the rich crowd who was gathering to get in and smoothed down her own emerald green gown down with an irate brush of her hands. "Beware of the snakes with brightly coloured scales, Dee."

"Well spoken, my girls." Edward said, adjusting his cravat.

Strutting inside, he met with a valet who took the three tickets, the girl's wraps and his top hat before he ushered them into the main room where Liszt was playing softly and disinterested men drank themselves into good mood, while their wives huddled in packs in the corners whispering about how good it was to be rich.

With a girl on each arm, Edward moved across the room with a purpose. He was in search of the creamed honey coloured hair of Miss Mae Van Horne, daughter of the silicon ship magnate Franklin Van Horne.

The picture he had of her showed a girl who wasn't the typical bleached blonde bimbo that most rich heiresses seemed to become once they turned twelve. She was adorable, rather than sexy, petite instead of model tall with large grey eyes and sensible glasses.

She was also the bride to be of one Doctor Amos Liddell.

The 'good' doctor's schedule made it impossible for him to attend, this Edward knew from mapping the man's coming and goings at the asylum, so he knew he'd be safest approaching the woman here than anywhere else.

As a waiter wandered by Echo snatched up a flute of champagne and handed it off to Edward who took it quietly, scanning the crowds for the woman.

Realizing he had a glass in his hand, he frowned and handed it off to Query, before untangling himself from his girls.

"Let's split up, girls." He suggested.

The two women smirked wickedly, before going their own ways, leaving Edward standing alone in the middle of the great room. Continuing his hunt, he moved towards the bar tucked into the corner, planning on ordering something without bubbles.

Easing up, he smiled at the bartender and ordered a scotch on the rocks. Since those powerful meds Liddell had him on, he seemed to get shaky at times, like a tremor would over take his hands. He was more than half certain that the good doctor was testing something experimental on the inmates.

Glancing around, he held his gloved hand out and studied the shaking appendage, before snapping his hand like a man trying to get feeling back into a sleeping limb.

Liquor was doing the trick, but the tremors were getting worse and now the migraines were starting. Piercing migraines that caused vomiting at the worst of times.

He had actually paid off a veterinarian he knew to run tests on him to make sure it wasn't another brain tumour, but he had said it wasn't anything like that. He suggested withdrawal symptoms, but with Edward's blood already purged of the meds he couldn't say exactly what was given to him.

Taking the tumbler of scotch as the bartender handed it off, Edward took a quick sip, before turning back around to scan the crowds.

Thankfully, the trembling passed as quickly as it came and Edward took another sip of his drink.

"I can't be the only one who finds duck served at a benefit to preserve the wetlands just a little tacky." Someone purred from his side.

Edward glanced over and found a gorgeous brunette in a tight, little black dress leaning against the bar.

"Can I get a white Russian, please?" She asked the bartender.

Edward took a sip of his scotch. "Most of those in favour of preserving the wetlands are duck hunters. Without the wetlands, there'd be no sport for them." He said, turning away from the main room to face the bar. "It still doesn't make it any less twisted. Hello, Selina."

She smirked. "Hello, Eddie."

"You're no doubt here as arm candy for the philandering Bruce Wayne. Where is he?"

Taking her drink with a thanks, she hopped up onto the stool at his side and laughed. "He's not a philanderer."

"Oh?"

"He can't be. He's married to his work." She crossed her legs.

Edward admired them. There was a lot to admire, the dress was quite short and her legs were fairly long. He liked that in an age where women went out and tanned themselves into leather monsters, Selina was still an alabaster doll.

She caught him looking and quirked a brow.

He took a sip of his liquor in an effort to wordlessly explain his lewd gawking.

"See that sea of men in tuxes behind us?" She asked.

He glanced over his shoulder. "Master Wayne always has to be the centre of attention, doesn't he?"

"It's a free meal," she said.

Reaching out with his free hand he touched her under the chin and angled her to face him, tilting her head back a little.

"Two carat?" He asked, admiring her diamond earrings.

She pulled away from his touch politely. "How'd you guess?"

"You're not the only one with a good eye for valuables." He replied. "But are those honest or blood diamonds?"

She chuckled into her drink. "Bruce gave them to me."

"Ah, blood diamonds," he said, "well, he'd be able to afford them, I suppose."

Selina studied him long and hard. "You don't like him much, do you?"

"I hate him. But it feels natural to hate him."

Turning, Selina touched a hand to Edward's knee and squeezed. "If we all acted on instinct, Ed. I would have killed you at first sight."

"You know just the right thing to say to both terrify and arouse me."

She pulled her hand away with a mixed reaction. It was shock, on the verge of being amused and topped with a touch of embarrassment. "Still haven't gotten any since you left Arkham, hm?" She retorted.

At that moment Query wandered over and draped herself around him.

Selina picked up her drink and eyed the Riddler. "I stand corrected, you seem to be doing fine."

Edward watched as Catwoman wove her way back into the crowd and disappeared from sight, before angling his head to face Query.

"What can I do for you, my girl?"

"We ain't seen hide nor hair of this broad, she must have ditched." She replied, sliding her hands over his chest as she lay against his back.

He notice the scandalized looks a few nearby women were giving him, but ignored them in favour of taking another sip of scotch. "Then she's a free woman for one more night. Waste of money on these tickets, but what does it matter?"

"We can always drink them dry, boss." Query chirped hopefully.

Edward smirked. "It is a free bar…if anything you girls can drink back our money."

Query squealed and hurried off to tell Echo, leaving Edward to suck his scotch sullenly.


	4. Who Wants To Live Forever

**LittleBiscuit - It's not the first time a doctor at Arkham has taken liberties. And I think the Riddler without Query and Echo is not as interesting. He needs those girls to hang themselves off him to give him that pimptastic look.**

**jacksparrowlovesme - Well, Eddie *thinks* he's a ladies man at least...you know, being off his meds gives him back his over confidence. ^_^**

**Robot521 - I really love Query and Echo, but since not much is written of them in the comics, I pretty much have to wing their characters. But yes, things were going fine until Query broke up the moment.**

**JannaKalderash - You ever notice the AMA has little to no presence in Gotham. Doctors are always experimenting and doing things they shouldn't in that city...there's a call for a hero if I ever heard of one. American Medical Association Man! He swoops in to stop the doctors of the US from illegal practices! Oh...that's why DC told me to get a real job instead of throwing pitches at them...my ideas are AWESOME and they couldn't handle them. ;P**

**Ubiquitous literacy - Hey, thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying the flow.**

**Violeta27 - Girl, if I were a planet...I don't know where I'm going with this, but you know I love you. Also, Query and Echo for life. ^_^  
><strong>

**Okay, I'm going to say this before any of you die hard comic book fans can. In this chapter I've mentioned Garfield Lynns as being an inmate in Arkham. However, most of the comics I've read he's been incarcerated in Blackgate. I never agreed with that, because he's been diagnosed as a pyromaniac who sees visions in the flames. Therefore, I always thought he belonged in an institute for the criminally insane. There. My reasoning explained.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four: Who Wants To Life Forever<strong>

****Selina** **

All night as she mingled with the rich, she kept one eye on Eddie at the bar.

He just sat there, getting quietly drunk and it wasn't like him at all.

Occasionally he would turn and eye the crowd, looking for someone, but mostly he kept his back to them and drank.

Eddie wasn't the hopeless drunk type. Something was wrong.

On either side of him his henchwomen sat, and Selina could tell they were trying to cheer him up, they would lean in and say something to their boss with a grin, but he barely responded.

Finally the crowds around Bruce lightened as the night took it's last breath and many of the older people went home early.

She sidled up beside him with a grin.

The thing about Bruce in comparison to Eddie or any other criminal was that with Bruce she felt compelled to smile. Not because he drew it out of her earnestly, but because she knew he worried too much about her when she wasn't smiling.

He offered her his arm and they finally pulled away from the businessmen who had flocked to him, wandering the room.

"Sorry about that," Bruce said sweetly. "You know how business can go."

"It never ends," she replied, " or so I've been told."

"Would you like to dance?"

Casting another glance in the direction of the Riddler, she shook her head. "No, I think I want to call it a night."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I kind of toured the room while you were busy, so I've seen it all."

His mouth tightened into a severe line. "I'm really sorry about that, Selina. I'm afraid I haven't been much of a gentleman tonight."

"No, big deal, Bruce. I actually had fun on my own."

He laughed dryly, before leaning in close to her, "you're handing them in to lost and found before we leave."

"Do you always assume I've stolen something?" She inquired. "Where's the trust?"

"I trust in the fact that a leopard can't change her spots." He replied.

She laughed. "I didn't tonight, actually. I was tempted, but…" she trailed off when she spied Eddie push to his feet, steadying himself with the bar.

Bruce followed her gaze, but thankfully Eddie was already swept away with the crowd.

"Thankfully, I refrained on your behalf," she finished.

He nodded. "Well, I'm honoured."

* * *

><p>She waited five minutes after Bruce dropped her off, calmly wandering about her apartment putting her pilfered jewellery away into a safety deposit box, before changing into her catsuit and slipping out her window.<p>

If anyone knew what was up with Eddie it'd be Jonathan Crane, but first she had to stop by Ozzie's to get Crane's whereabouts.

Easing in through his office window, she waited for Ozzie with her boots up on his desk and his chair tilted back against the wall behind her.

Eventually he came upstairs into his office with his cash box, puffing away on his cigarette.

"I thought I cat-proofed the lounge." He growled.

She smirked. "Hey, Oz, how's business?"

"Like a one-eyed whore, what can I do for you?" He asked, going about his business calmly.

"I want to find Jonathan Crane."

"Information isn't free, even the government acknowledges that," he replied boldly opening his wall safe in front of her.

Of course if she really wanted what was inside she'd get it anyways, so keeping his combination a secret from her was useless.

"What do you need?"

"A stage act for next Friday night." He said.

She smirked. "And what do you want me to do? Show people how to pick a lock?"

"Look, people need entertaining, give them the dance of the seven veils for all I care, just do something for me. I can't seem to keep talent around here." He snarled.

Selina pursed her lips. "Fine, but you'd better make it worth my talent."

Ozzie tucked his cash box away and closed his safe, before coming over to lean against his desk. "How's this? Crane came in looking for a powerful sedative, I sent him in the direction of a dealer I know. If you ask me, he's hooked on something. He seemed buggier than usual. Now, if you're looking for him, my eyes and ears tell me he's down on 57th in the old costume warehouse."

"Crane doesn't seem like the addict type," she said.

Ozzie leaned in close. "Here's the strange thing, I've had at least half a dozen criminals who escaped Arkham last month, come in looking for a fix of some sort. Most of them have never touched the stuff before their stint in the booby hatch. If you ask me, they're handing out the wrong kinds of pills in there, if you get my meaning."

"It wouldn't be the first time a doctor took liberties at Arkham." She said. "Who's come in so far?"

"Lynns, Tetch, Langstrom, Crane, Rigger and Wesker so far, but I heard there's dozens of them out there who escaped that night and haven't been caught yet. They could all be bugged out on something, if you ask me."

"That's all Gotham needs," she remarked, "strung out murderers on the loose." Dropping her feet off his desk, Selina stood up. "Well, thanks for the info, Ozzie. I'll drop by on Friday."

"See that you do."

She paused at the door. "For my own curiosity, just where's the Riddler keeping himself these days?"

"He hasn't been in here, but I had a runner come in a few days ago and said she spied those dangerous vixens of his smoking outside an old car dealership on Broker."

"Thanks, Oz."

* * *

><p>When she arrived at Crane's new hideout, she found it dark and silent.<p>

So she tread carefully over the threshold, keeping her ears perked for a sound.

In the back she came across a little homey set up, where Crane perched his spidery form on the arm of a couch, his hands holding his head.

"Jon?" She began.

"Shh," he said.

"Why is it so dark in here?" She went on in a softer tone of voice, she had her goggles on, but even she could see that it was absolute darkness in his lair.

"Leave the lights off."

Wondering if he was jacked out on something, she hesitated, before sitting on the couch.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Shh."

She took a look around at the home he had made for himself. A cloth covered crate that served as a coffee table was loaded to the brim with pharmaceuticals.

Quietly she picked the nearest bottle up and looked it over. It was for a heavy pain killer given only to terminal cancer patients, the others were similar, with the strange difference of a bottle of nearly depleted caffeine pills.

"What's with the meds, Jon?" She asked.

"I'm battling a cold," he replied.

"With Dilaudid and caffeine?" She demanded.

"My body's been poisoned," he whispered, rubbing hard at his eyes.

"Seems like they gave you something in Arkham, huh?"

"It had to have been something slipped into the cocktail of drugs they had me on." He said. "I find a combination of caffeine and levorphanol usually works to balance me out. I can't afford anymore levorphanol and the migraines have returned, but the caffeine at least keeps me energetic. I'm down to a brick of medical marijuana I scored off some punk kids behind the Built-It Barn, if that doesn't do it, I'm fucked."

"Why can't you afford any more pills, Jon?"

Pale eyes pierced the darkness like a wolf eyeing it's prey in the boreal forest as he glared hard at her. "Because I've been too shaky to rob a fucking bank, Selina."

She didn't back down from his gaze. Instead she nodded and pushed to her feet. "Try not to overdose, hm?"

"At this point that might actually be tempting." He growled.

"Crane," she began.

"I'm not going to off myself. Jesus, Selina!" He snarled. "I'm going to find the right combination then go back to Arkham and tear the place apart."

"I believe you will too, but in the meanwhile, can you tell me anything about your symptoms? Maybe there's someone who-"

"I studied chemistry, cat, if I can't figure this out, then who can?" He snapped. "Now get the hell out of here, you're only exacerbating the migraine!"

She sighed heavily, but honoured his wishes.


	5. Don't Stop Me Now

**jacksparrowlovesme - I can guarantee that whatever Selina's talent is, it's not TV/VCR repair...maybe she'll break out the tambourine. ^_^**

**eatingsupernoodles - Thanks. I am making this one a little more mysterious/action-y, aren't I? I never tried my hand at a true crime type story before. Thanks for the support.**

**Robot521 - Crane is probably going to be out of commission for a while if he ever gets around to smoking that weed he scored. ^_^ But seriously, he'll be around for some revenge.**

**NoSpillBlood - Hey thanks. That was a really nice thing you said. Also, I was so tempted to write a chapter with a stoned Scarecrow, but it might be a little much. Maybe I'll put it out as a strange oneshot...**

**bleedy - Okay, it's official, I have to write something where Crane is stoned...it seems to be the one thing that just has to happen in my lifetime. XD**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Five: Don't Stop Me Now<strong>

****Edward****

The coffee was scalding hot, just the way he liked his hot beverages, but it had no taste.

Sitting in a cheap little greasy spoon on the outskirts of the Old Gotham quarter, he sucked the black concoction like a man sucks water in the desert.

His girls sat in the booth opposite him, looking over the menu.

It was strange, he didn't usually drag his heels as badly as he had been, but he couldn't seem to find the energy to get off his ass and put his plans in motion.

Oh, he had everything planned, he just needed the energy to do them.

If he could hook a coffee pot up to his veins, he'd be fine. Caffeine seemed to be the only thing keeping him running, but there were medical implications to driving coffee directly into the bloodstream, so he was forced to drink copious amounts.

He didn't even really care for the black brew and when he did he liked it sweet and white.

Across from him, Diedre flipped her long blonde hair over her shoulder and studied him with a narrowed left eye. Nina wore the same curious, concerned expression.

He did have his head bowed really low to his coffee, inhaling the fumes it put off. They were worried about him, he was never this sluggish. Dear girls.

"Tonight we'll head over to the Van Horne estate and take the young heiress," he said. "It's a lot riskier than taking her from a benefit, but she's brought this on herself. Then we'll truss her up...get that...that..."

He clamped his mouth shut, when a stunning brunette seated herself boldly at Edward's side, folding her long, tanned legs one over the other in the aisle.

He immediately recognized her as the woman from the asylum, where she had come from was a whole other story.

She smiled kindly. "Hello, Mr. Nygma. You're a hard man to find." Her accent wasn't typical of Gotham, it was soft and lyrical, some kind of Spanish tongue? She certainly didn't have it that night in the asylum, was she lying then or now?

All he could really note was how delicate her scent was, how perfectly feminine. The results of being locked up was really beginning to piss him off when all he thought about lately was women and sex. Of course, feeling the way he did, he'd probably end up just disappointing in bed…or falling asleep during.

"I seem to recall seeing you at the asylum, of course you seemed much more…American then."

She laughed softly. "I didn't want to stick out."

"Hn, you are a clever girl. Next time, perhaps, you should try wearing pants."

She smiled almost innocently. "My name is Adelaida Fuentes, I'm here on behalf of a friend."

"Liddell?"

"He's no friend of mine."

"Then you get to walk away from this meeting without a scratch," he replied.

Reaching over she took his napkin and pulling out a pen, scribbled an address on it.

"He's hoping you could help him with a problem he's having." She said softly.

"I have my own problems right now," Edward said. "What makes your 'friend' think he's going to get a visit from me?"

She leaned in close to him, whispering in his ear. "Because he has something that could help you feel better." Standing, she smoothed her beautiful hair off her classically featured face. "Eight tonight, please seriously consider meeting with him."

With that she turned and walked off.

Edward watched her quietly, appreciating the view, before sighing.

"What d'ya figure, boss?" Query asked.

"Couldn't hurt to meet with this mysterious fellow."

* * *

><p>Eight o'clock.<p>

In a burnt out shell of an old barbeque restaurant, Edward stood alone, waiting for his contact.

He felt a migraine coming on, but hoped it had the decency to wait until he was finished with the meeting. It would be awfully embarrassing to vomit in front of someone.

Hooking his cane on his arm, he shoved his trembling hands into his pants pockets and huffed.

From above him the sound of a humming buzz was heard and he turned his face skyward to find the black and grey costume of Firefly descending from the sky.

Edward hesitated. Expecting an explosion, a rain of hell fire and fury.

Instead, Lynns landed and quietly moved towards him.

"You're the mysterious contact I'm here to meet?" Edward asked. "Should have known it was you by the meeting place."

Lynns didn't say much, he usually didn't, but what he did say was enough to get Edward's attention immediately.

"You're sick." He said in a dark, smoky rasp. "Everyone who escaped Arkham is."

Edward wanted to address the fact that it should have been obvious to him that Lynns was the one responsible for a break out that included so much pyrotechnics and destruction, but he ignored it in favour of getting to the point. "And?"

Lynns held out his heavily gloved hand.

In it rested a handful of pills in a small plastic bag.

"I was hiding these in my mouth when things went up in smoke, didn't like what they did to my head," he said. "I wasn't taking my meds that night, thankfully I have these as a result."

"So, what do you need me for?" Edward asked, finally taking the pills from Lynns' hand.

The helmet Lynns wore quirked and dipped. "Me? I deal in flames, you're the smartest man I know, figured you could make something of those. An antidote or something. Took my associate a month to track you, you're not an easy man to find."

Edward smiled and tucked the pills into his pocket. "Of course I'm the smartest man you know. And what's with that 'associate' of yours anyways?"

"She's a good girl..." there a hesitant pause. "She's a pyrophile..."

"Ah," Edward said, "that makes so much sense. You start the fires, she gets off on them. Perfect match for you."

"Look, Nygma, those pills aren't treats for you to take, you figure this out or I'll shove napalm in your ass and burn you from the inside out." Lynns snarled.

"What makes you think I want to do your bidding?"

"You aren't dumb enough to refuse my offer."

"Oh, well isn't that darling. How about a partnership instead of threats?"

Lynns laughed, it was deep and terrifying, unaided by the fact that there was no reading his face through his helmet. "I don't think so. You make too many enemies for my taste."

Chuckling, Edward touched a hand to his chin. "I can't for the life of me understand why. I'm a very pleasant man."

Without a word, Firefly took off into the night sky, leaving Edward to watch the dark clouds that had gathered over the stars with a slightly furrowed brow. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew the pills and studied them quietly.

It was then that the skies opened up and flooded the earth below.

* * *

><p>By the time he got back to the hideout he was drenched and looked like a drowned rat.<p>

Query and Echo greeted him like fluffed up hens with a fox in the coop.

"I said she can't be here, but she threatened to eviscerated us." Query greeted. "The bitch."

"I wouldn't let Dee shoot her, but she's disrupting things, boss." Echo said.

Wiping water droplets off his face, Edward stood dripping on the once highly polished main floor, leaving a lake where he stood.

"Who?"

"That cat slut," Query snarled. "Can I plug her, boss?"

Edward held up a dripping hand. "Just hold off on that for now, my girl. Where is she?"

"Up high, Eddie."

Glancing up into the steel beams of the ceiling, he found Catwoman perched over top of them, peering down.

Edward removed his water logged jacket. "It's Edward, _pussycat_."

She hopped across the beams quickly, slid down a decorative column and hit the floor beside Echo.

Leading the way into the back offices where they had set up the homey portion of the lair, Edward sighed. "What do you want, Selina?"

"You look rough, Ed."

He smirked and pulled at his tie to loosen it. "I'm just tired."

"Sick?"

He quirked a brow at her, before flicking his wrists at his girls, shooing them off.

They wandered away into another office, leaving him alone with Selina.

She perched on an old sofa and folded her hands in her lap elegantly.

Removing his tie, he hung it on a coat hook behind the door. "A little."

"Everyone is, or so it seems."

Unbuttoning his shirt, he stopped at the fourth button down and scowled. "Oh?"

"So, what are you on?" She asked, violet eyes wide.

He went on unbuttoning the rest of his shirt, tensing as she suddenly appeared behind him to help him out of it.

A droplet of water ran down from his hair, over the bridge of his nose and down to the floor.

"What do you mean?" He demanded.

She hung his shirt beside his tie on a hook and set her hands on her hips. "Ozzie tells me everyone's on something now to combat the symptoms."

Edward tugged his undershirt off and tossed it at her.

She caught it with a small, cat-like smirk and hung it up as well.

"I'm on a load of coffee and that's about it. So far." He said, ruffling his hair up to dry it faster. There wasn't exactly a wide selection of towels in his lair as of yet, so they were just air drying about the place.

"What the hell did they do to you in Arkham, Ed?"

"Well," he began, "I've come to three conclusions. One, they put us on an addictive drug to weaken us if we ever escaped Arkham, like it's been doing. Two, they put us on this drug to force us to eventually turn ourselves in for the meds. And three, they put us on this drug in the hopes that the withdrawal symptoms will force us to kill ourselves, thus ridding the world of criminals such as us. Knowing Liddell as the slimy, little misanthrope that he is, he probably is just testing drugs on random inmates." Kicking off his damp shoes and tugging off his soaked socks, he sat himself at the cheap desk in his room and threw his bare feet up.

"So," Selina began, "what are we going to do about this?"

Edward clasped his hands over his bare stomach. "We? I had no idea this mess affected you?"

She stretched out on the free space of his desk, arching her back so that her head rested against his knees. "Well, I'm in it now, may as well lend a paw."

"Right, because you're the charitable sort, aren't you?" He replied.

She was quiet.

It was then that he noticed she was eyeing his shaking hands from where she lay. Even clasped together as they were, one could see them visibly trembling. Half of it was his shakes, half of it was the cold, damp that he had been subjected to.

Reaching out, she placed her deadly clawed gloved hand over them, stopping the quaking with her strength.

Even through her goggles, he could see her eyes were narrowed, almost concerned.

He pulled his hands out from under hers and she stood up gracefully.

"Look, it's no skin off my ass if you don't want my help, Eddie." She said coolly. "I've got ten thousand other things I could be doing."

"The Bat has a computer for analyzing substances, doesn't he?" Edward called after her.

She turned. "And?"

"I need access to it."

Selina cocked her hip. "Take it up with him."

Scrambling to his feet, he joined her at the door, standing a little too close in an effort to intimidate her. "I'm taking it up with you. You control the Bat, he controls the computer. My way is a lot harder and I don't have the energy."

"What do you mean 'I control the Bat'?" She demanded.

"Oh, kitten, come on." Edward replied softly. "We all know you have him wrapped around your little finger. Get me into that Batcomputer of his."

Selina regarded him quietly, before turning and walking off.

Standing in the doorway he watched her as she marched down his hall and out of sight.

Was that a 'no'?

Like a sudden wave, he was hit with a sharp pain behind his eyes and he dropped to his knees, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands. The migraine he had been fighting for hours finally broke through.


	6. The Invisible Man

**JannaKalderash - I kind of enjoy when people don't have to verbally say 'no'. It makes my day.**

**LittleBiscuit - 'Reads like a train'...I kind of like the sound of that. ^_^**

**Robot521 - Oh, words cannot express how much I love Firefly. I don't know why really...I think it's because deep down I'm a bit of a pyro myself...I hope I do him justice...**

**bleedy - You have no idea how hard I laughed at 'It might be your destiny'. I'm still laughing over that comment. Made my day. Thanks for that.**

**Violeta27 - Thanks. I'm glad you noticed that I'm trying something new here. I always get nervous trying new things when it comes to writing. Also, I'm amused that to you Crane will always be 'Uncle' Jon.**

**jacksparrowlovesme - I think the only person for Lynns would have to be a pyrophile. You know, the whole 'you complete me' spiel...sometimes it's true.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Six: The Invisible Man<strong>

****Selina****

She had gotten as far as the street outside, before she turned back to face the old dealership.

It pissed her off that Batman treated her different just because of his infatuation with her. They had been on and off for years and she liked it, but they weren't ever going to be anything. But she wasn't about to use him just for his computer, there were other options. Ones that were perhaps less dangerous.

And she knew Eddie could use her help. Despite the proud stance he took, she saw behind it a nearly crippling pain. He was being affected more than he let on, but he wouldn't allow anyone to know just how hard the withdrawals were.

She could be stubborn too.

Parading back towards the dealership, she decided to tell him she'd be helping him out instead of asking if he needed it.

Inside the dealership, she found the lights were being switched off as the blonde henchwoman raced about, she cast a disapproving look at Selina on her way past, but said nothing.

Selina followed her into the offices, where the dark haired henchwoman was kneeling at Eddie's side on the floor.

"What happened?" Selina asked.

The brunette threw her a murderous look. "Beat it, bitch! We got this!"

"Yeah," the blonde added. "Get lost!"

Eddie, on all fours vomited onto the floor violently. His limbs trembling to keep him up.

Ignoring them, Selina knelt and helped the brunette move Eddie off the floor and onto the sofa in his office.

Eddie was clutching his head, his eyes shut tightly.

"Get a cold damp cloth," Selina said to the blonde.

Without argument the blonde raced off into the lair.

The brunette glared daggers at Selina, draping herself protectively over Eddie to prevent the woman in black PVC from getting close to him.

"I'm not the one you should be pissed at, princess." Selina said.

The woman ignored her and continued to glare hatefully at her, hands moving to stroke Eddie's hair back off his face.

Slowly Selina approached, moving to kneel beside the couch.

"He usually feels better after he throws up," the blonde said, hustling back with the cloth.

Selina took it and set it against Eddie's neck, cooling him. She knew that when she got a migraine a cold cloth always felt good, then again she never got migraines bad enough to induce vomiting.

The brunette grabbed the cloth and pushed her hand away. "Didn't I say walk, sister?" She growled.

Selina tilted her head, but said nothing. She didn't feel like playing some power game at the moment.

Eddie rubbed his temples fiercely and tried to sit up. "Nina dear, don't instigate."

Reaching forward, Selina set a hand on his chest. Beneath her hand his flesh was hot to the touch and still a little damp from the rain. "Easy, Eddie. Take it slow."

"Here," Jervis said, handing Eddie a thing of breath mints. "For freshness."

Everyone turned to eye the quiet man, who spoke so softly and carried himself almost meekly.

"When did you get here?" Eddie asked, taking a mint.

Jervis rubbed the palms of his hands on his thighs. "Uh, t-ten minutes ago."

"Ten minutes ago?" Selina demanded. "When I came back?"

"I followed you in. I said 'good evening'. Twice."

Selina uttered a soft, "oh. Sorry. I didn't hear you."

Jervis gave a half smile, before clearing his throat and straightening his spine. "We're in the midst of troubles. The Red Queen has poisoned our tarts."

"Someone has." Eddie corrected halfheartedly.

"I need someone to help me get back into Underland." Jervis said. "I thought you might be interested?"

Eddie pushed up further in his spot. "Very interested. I was thinking that myself."

"For a price."

"Always money with criminals…" Eddie muttered. "Fine. What do you want?"

"A partnership. I have no one to aid me as of yet and no place to stay."

"You want to move in with me? Aren't we going a little fast?" Eddie asked.

Jervis tucked his hands behind his back. "My abilities would come in handy for getting us past the guards and into the heart of darkness."

Eddie quirked a brow. "I would, but there are other people I could join up with who could get me past the guards. What have you to offer?"

"I...didn't know I would be put to the test." Jervis said, he removed his dapper purple top hat and turning it in his hands.

Selina touched Eddie's elbow gently, giving him a little nudge. He must have gotten the hint, because soon he was moving into action.

Sighing, he scratched his chin with his thumb. "Well now, then there, uh," he began. "I suppose it couldn't hurt to let you bunk out on a sofa somewhere in here."

Selina smiled softly at Eddie's James Dean impression (whether he did it unconsciously or not) and ran her hand up his bicep, heading for his shoulder.

"I must be mad as a March hare." He growled. "Girls, what do you think? Can the Mad Hatter stay?"

"He can bunk with us in the lunch room." The brunette said.

"Yeah, boss." The blonde added. "We got a real cozy set-up back there."

Eddie turned blue eyes on Selina. "And you? What do you think?"

She moved away from Eddie to drape herself off of Jervis seductively. The poor man was still damp from the weather outside and she felt her heart tug for him. Jervis was one of those men who were more adorable than anything, like a harmless (very insane) kitten. "I think he's the only real friend you have in this?"

"Does that include yourself?" Eddie asked.

She smiled softly and pressed a kiss to Jervis' cheek. Jervis smelled good, like a man should, but he also smelled like the rain outside and had a strange, almost candy-like scent to his hair. "I wouldn't count me out, but you never know…"

The Mad Hatter flushed bright red and started fidgeting.

"Selina dear, do you mind unwrapping yourself from my new business partner before he has a heart attack?" Eddie asked politely. "If you must drape yourself, I have a perfectly open lap."

Releasing Jervis, she smirked and moved to sit on the sofa at the end furthest from him. "You'd enjoy it too much, Ed."

Ignoring her, Eddie sighed and pushed his long legs out to cross them, one neatly over the other. "Alright, Jervis, you can stay. But I will expect you to pull your weight around here."

Jervis beamed shyly and brushed his hair back boyishly. "Thank you, my good sir. You shan't regret it."

"Great, now someone get me some clothes. I've never been so naked in front of so many people since the de-lousing shower at the asylum. Jervis, you and I have business to discuss. Selina? Are you going to help us get at the Batcomputer or not?" Eddie demanded, pushing to his feet. "Because if you're not going to be a help, you're an unwelcome hindrance."

Selina quirked a brow at his tone. "Nice, Ed. Very polite."

"Kitten, I have no patience to waste on lollygaggers." He stated firmly. "Either you're in or you're out…in the rain and on your bony ass."

She tsked. "I don't even know what a lollygagger is, so I'll ignore the remark, but if you ever call my ass bony again, I'll give you a Charlie horse that'll last until Ragnarok. Get me, _Ed_?"

On her way out she stuck her ass out and looked over her shoulder at it. "I always thought it was a nice ass." She remarked, wiggling it a little for the boys.

Jervis stared at her wriggling bottom with wide blue eyes, while Eddie glared at him sharply, clearing his throat.

The Mad Hatter jumped. "Oh…ah…dear…"

She smiled as Jervis hurried to find something to do, while Eddie continued to glare after him.

"She's presenting like a mandrill." the brunette henchwoman snarled.

"She's trying to change the subject," Eddie stated firmly. "A tactic that's worked on lesser men than I."

Selina wandered out into the hall, she was halfway down when the Riddler caught up with her.

"You never gave me an answer." He said. "It's awfully rude."

"What was the question again?" She asked, playing innocent.

"Will you get us access to the Bat's computer?"

"Hell no." She stated, marching down the hall, dragging her claws along the wall as she went.

"You wanted to help, this is how you can help."

"I'm not giving you idiots full run of the Bat's computer." She replied.

Eddie stopped her exodus with a well placed arm, resting a hand on the wall. "One person called me an 'idiot' once, pussycat, and I ripped his tongue out of his mouth." He whispered harshly. "I'd really hate to have to do that to you."

She eyed him calmly. Being a bitch came naturally to her when she wore the catsuit, so she didn't stop to think about that one. Normally she'd never call Eddie an 'idiot' but it sort of slipped out. Still she never apologized as Catwoman and she never would. Touching a hand to his hair, she pushed it out of his face. "Put something on before you catch pneumonia, Eddie." She said. "I won't let you down, let me find you something better than the Batcomputer, hm?"

"Fine." He said digging into his pants pockets, he fumbled for something.

Selina took a small step back, brow furrowed. Half naked as he was, she didn't really want to know just what he was doing. In the near dark, she caught only the glimmer of light as it touched his pale, damp muscles as they worked and moved in an effort for him to retrieve something from his pocket. She had to admit that perhaps her eyes were shining with admiration over his form, but she would never admit that out loud. She breathed easier when he produced a handful of pills in a small plastic bag.

"Take possession of these," he instructed.

"Why?"

"I don't trust myself not to take them in a time of dire emergency." He said.

She stared at the pills in her hand. "Are these...?"

"Firefly smuggled them out. He's got to have strong convictions to have not taken them by now. Of course, he probably just purges his urges with a little bonfire or that hot tamale of his...probably one and then the other..."

She tucked the pills away safely, between her tits and into her sports bra, before moving off. "I'll be in contact."

"If you're not, can I assume you've gone rogue and turned us in to Batfink?" He called after her.

Turning, she kept her pace, only now she was walking backwards. "At the very least, if I don't return, Ed. You can assume I'm in the belly of a whale."

"Don't think I'll go hunting for that whale, kitten!" He shouted after her. "Jonah got himself out!"

As she was further down the hall she could hear him mutter, "what the hell am I going to do with a Mad Hatter...?"

The Riddler was back.


	7. Seven Seas of Rhye

**eatingsupernoodles - I feel sorry for Jervis sometimes. He can be such a shy little thing. I just wanna bundle him up and snuggle him. ^_^ Of course when he's crazy, he's really, really crazy.**

**Robot521 - In my mind the Mad Hatter from BTAS is probably my favourite version as well. So, yes...I may have based this one on him. I especially thought Roddy McDowall did a fantastic job of his voice. So to answer your question. Hell yes I envision the BTAS version of Jervis when I write the Mad Hatter!**

**jacksparrowlovesme - I have a pretty big crush on the Mad Hatter...well let's face it, there isn't a Batman villain I don't have a crush on...except the Joker...**

**Vi - Your challenge to drop all formalities has been accepted. Also, whenever I can get Eddie half naked, you can damned well be sure he'll be half naked.  
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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seven: Seven Seas of Rhye<strong>

****Edward****

Jervis was quiet.

Edward had to give him that.

All day as he sat at his desk and mulled over his options and his next course of action, Jervis was barely seen nor heard.

In fact Edward saw him once when he scuttled by his open door, heading for the heart of the dealership and then he was seen no more for at least two hours.

At about four, as Edward downed the last of his fifth cup of coffee that hour, Jervis scuttled back towards the room they gave him, head down and hands full. For some reason this irritated the Riddler.

"Jervis?" Edward called out.

The man's fair hair poked back into view.

"Yes, Edward?"

"What are you up to, my fine fellow?"

The Mad Hatter scooted into the room timidly holding a tray of tea. "Tea." He explained. "Would you care for some?"

Edward had heard stories of teatimes held with Jervis, but he rather enjoyed a cup.

"I'd like that, Jervis. Please, sit."

As Jervis served a steaming chipped porcelain cup of tea to Edward (where he got the porcelain set was beyond the Riddler's realm of comprehension), the short, pale, meek fellow sighed and eased onto the chair across from him, diving into his own cup.

"I can always trust you to make a fine pot of tea." Edward said, holding the cup under his nose and inhaling the barely there scent. "This isn't poisoned, is it?"

"Not that cup." Jervis replied.

Taking a sip, Edward sighed. "Have you any thoughts on how we're going to get into Arkham without being detected and imprisoned?" He asked.

"The best way to blend in is to not blend in."

Edward paused, taking a long sip of tea. Earl Grey, hint of lemon and sweetened with honey. It was bliss.

"Sometimes," he said finally, "I'm actually very afraid of you and your logic."

Jervis blinked at him. "What is the name of your blonde?"

"Hm? My blonde? Oh! Ha! Not Alice, my friend."

"Are you so certain. She smiled and it was a perfectly Alice smile."

"She's not an Alice. Believe me."

Taking a gulp of tea, the Mad Hatter poured a spoonful of sugar out of his pocket into the cup and stirred it with a pocket watch. "I don't believe you. There's always an Alice."

"I'm afraid the Alice has become an endangered species, my friend." Edward pointed out. "Have you ever considered the fine merits of a Sofie or Amy?"

"I do not like the Sofie nor the Amy. Alice is beauty in delicate smiles. More tea?"

"Thank you." Edward held out his cup for another round. "Of course, most Alice's are too old for you nowadays."

"Are you trying to drive him insane, Nygma?" Someone asked coolly from the doorway. "Or are you just being a bully because you're bored?" Black Mask demanded calmly.

The Riddler nearly dropped his teacup as Jervis pushed to his feet.

"What do you want?" Edward snapped.

Black Mask entered the room as the Mad Hatter left it, his tea tray in hand.

"Vengeance. But right now I'd settle for something to take the edge off."

"You too, hm?" Edward demanded, going back to reclining behind his desk.

Roman Sionis perched on the arm of the sofa. "I feel like killing something, but don't have the energy."

"Coffee. It works wonders."

"Makes one jumpy and irritable, though. Doesn't it?" The horrible black skeletal face broke into a fit of dark chuckling.

"I wasn't bullying him." Edward replied casually going back to their initial topic of discussion, picking up a bullet that had landed on his desk after he loaded his pistol earlier.

"I could care less. What are you holding?"

Edward held the bullet up quietly.

Roman drew himself together. "You know goddamned well what I meant." He growled, drawing a gun out from his jacket and aiming it at Edward's face. "Where're the pills?"

The Riddler scowled at the weapon. "Pills?"

"I heard from the Penguin who heard it from Fugate who heard it from Lynns that you're working on a cure for this sickness. I want that cure."

"You're not that bright, are you?" Edward asked the shaking gun barrel pointed at his face. "Do you think one day is time enough to analyze and synthesize a cure? Or that I'll even find one?"

"You calling me an idiot?" Roman snarled.

"Not in such words, but…well yes." Taking the barrel between his pointer and thumb, Edward carefully aimed the gun away from his face. "Look, give me some time and if you're nice to me, I may even give you the cure if I find one. Treat me like a common thug and you'll get nothing."

The gun was aimed back at his face. "You better hope you find a cure, Nygma." Black Mask snarled. "Or I'll lodge a bullet in that pretty face of yours."

Edward smirked. "I'm hardly pretty…dashing maybe."

"Don't be cute, you slimy fuck. I'm giving you a week to find something that'll stop these fucking migraines before I let my gun do my reasoning."

"A week? Will I get an extension if I have a note from my parents?" Edward asked.

The gun was pressed between his eyes roughly.

Edward leaned back, but it followed him, jabbing painfully into his brow.

"I really don't care for your tone, Nygma." Black Mask said. "But I need you alive. So you'd better realize how good life is before I remind you of how nasty it can get."

"Keep talking to me like this and I might get smitten." Edward said. "You have a beautiful turn of phrase."

Putting away the weapon, Black Mask inhaled deeply. "I need a fucking fix." He growled.

"We all do, but pointing guns at the smartest man in Gotham isn't the best way to get your candy, is it?" Edward said, adjusting his tie and cufflinks. "I mean, good heavens man, control yourself."

"One week, Nygma. Then I get angry." He repeated, before turning on his heel and marching off.

"That was him happy?" Edward asked himself.

He was gone all of five seconds, before Catwoman slunk into the room.

"He's lucky I didn't indulge my inner bitch and ruin the moment," she greeted.

Smoothing his hair back, Edward glowered at her. "I wish you had. Having a gun in my face doesn't help my nerves."

Hopping up onto his desk, she eyed him quietly, judging his health by sight, he assumed.

"How are you feeling tonight?" She asked.

"Like a trigger happy psychotic just shoved an automatic pistol in my face…but in good health otherwise. Why do you ask, my dear?"

"I may have found you a computer to analyze the pills…but it's not open to the public." She smirked. "Know anyone who can work a lab computer?"

"You're looking at him."

Selina smirked darkly and draping herself backwards, lay her head against his chest and wound an arm around his neck. "Then it's just you and me tonight, pussycat." She purred.

Looking down at her stunning face hidden behind red goggles and a cat cowl, Edward smiled broadly. "How romantic."

Immediately she sat upright and hopped off the desk. "Don't get any ideas, I'm going to ride you hard tonight."

"Well, now you're just contradicting yourself." He said, falling in line behind her as they left the room.

She stopped him outside the room with a hand to his chest. "You're not going anywhere with me, dressed like that."

Edward took in his attire. "This is how I always dress, my dear girl."

"Not tonight. Tonight you're with me and we dress for the occasion."

"Occasion?"

"It's going to be a subtle affair, Ed. I know you don't do subtlety, but that's why this will be special."

* * *

><p>"All you need is a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it." She stated.<p>

He sat in the car beside her. "You told me to dress for the occasion. This is how you're dressed."

"No," she said. "I'm dressed for slinking around. You're dressed for long shore leave."

In his black wool cap and all black attire, Edward Nygma scowled at the street laid out before them through his domino mask. "Well, it was either this or scuba gear, my wardrobe isn't exactly vast right now."

"Scuba gear?"

"It's a long story." He sighed heavily. "You realize that by shedding my identity for you, you've accomplished what many woman before you have tried to accomplish."

She glanced over at him, taking her eyes of the street for a split second. "Oh? Am I that special?"

He was silent.

Selina glanced over again. "You okay, Ed?"

"I'm just pondering how to respond to that question." He said. "Words can easily be misconstrued. If I lie and say you're not special, it could ruin our ceasefire agreement, but if I admit that you're quite special to me it could change our relationship."

"Only for the better, Ed." She replied, turning the car onto Beaton Street. "Am I special to you?"

"My dear woman, you're unlike any woman on earth." He said, adding, "in that I tolerate you and your nonsense."

She smirked. "That special, huh? What about those girls of yours?"

"My girls are special to me as well, but for an entirely different reason."

"Do you love them?" She asked.

Edward smirked. "In every way but one."

"Which is?"

"People assume I've slept with them, but you know me, kitten. I prefer not to mix business with pleasure."

"Actually, I've never known you to mix pleasure with pleasure." She replied.

"My life isn't so void of pleasure, my dear." He said. "I do tend to find solace in puzzles."

"Puzzles can't keep you warm on cold nights, Ed."

"Neither can a multitude of lovers coming and going from your bed." He pointed out.

She ignored him and pulled the car to a stop across from the towering WayneTech. "We're here. Twelfth floor, they have a mass of laboratory equipment. We just need to get up there."


	8. Fat Bottomed Girls

**Robot521 - I love their banter in general. In most comics it can get pretty pithy, but mostly they just enjoy a verbal spar every now and then.**

**jacksparrowlovesme - Your review made me laugh, like a lady frolicking on the beach in white in a tampon commercial laugh.**

**bleedy - Jervis is super adorable and sweet when he isn't busy being batshit insane. I love when they write him as a shy, meek little fellow until he snaps.**

**AngryPanda - Thanks so much for your review (I love when people say 'hot diggity'! Glad to know I'm not the only one). It was very kind! You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome.  
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><p><strong>Chapter Eight: Fat Bottomed Girls<strong>

****Selina****

"Do you trust me?" She asked.

Eddie's curious look shifted from the elevator shaft that spread out above their heads to the woman in black PVC who stood at his side. "Depends on your mood. Currently, I might be inclined to trust you. Yes."

"Good, strap yourself into this harness." She ordered, dropping a mass of nylon and chrome at his feet.

He picked it up and puzzled over the contraption.

"Ever use one of those before?" She asked.

"I'm not much of an extremist when it comes to my sports, darling. Do you think you could…?" He held it out to her.

Selina took the mass from him and boldly dropped to her knees to help him get set up. "When you get strapped in, always remember to secure your lifeline first before anything. Keep it above you and secured to the cables, that way if your grip slips you're backed by a strong nylon rope." She instructed. "Not scared of heights, are you?"

He chuckled. "A wise man has many fears, Selina. Thankfully heights never much bothered me…falling from them, yes. But the actual heights don't give me any worries."

Gripping his riggings, she tugged them hard, causing Eddie to sway on his feet.

"Too tight?"

"I never wanted children anyways." He gasped.

Smiling, she got to her feet and began to attach her own safety harness, before reaching into the bag she brought and pulling out four hydraulic grips.

"Do you know how to work these?" She asked.

"I wasn't born in a cave, Selina dear." He said with a soft smile. "Of course…one might consider that pre-war bungalow a cave…with that scratchy pea soup coloured carpeting…"

"Care to lead or follow?" She asked.

He blinked out of his memories. "Follow. I'd rather not take you down with me if I fall."

"That's oddly compassionate coming from you, Eddie." She said as she attached her lifeline and grips to the cables.

"Oh, not because of any care for your safety, I just don't want you to dig your claws into me like you do when you panic." He said. "I'd much rather die with dignity at the bottom of this elevator shaft than go out like an overgrown cat toy."

Pulling herself up the cable, she peered back at him to make sure he was capable of following her.

She found him face to ass with her rear and hurried to pull herself higher.

Beneath her Eddie quirked a brow, but said nothing as he attached his own devices.

* * *

><p>"To have the body of an Adonis," he muttered as they slowly crawled past the fifth floor door.<p>

Selina peered down at him. "Need a break?"

"I need arms the size of tree trunks, my dear." He admitted.

She chuckled. "We'll stop on the sixth floor and take a break."

"I don't understand why we couldn't use the stairs. All we needed to do was bypass the security cameras in the stairwells…"

"I want to get in and out without leaving a trace, Ed." She said. "It makes life a lot easier when the cops aren't looking for you."

"The police don't bother me, they're usually thick skulled and easy to bamboozle." He replied. "It's that damned Bat one must be on the lookout for…sticking his nose into our business…"

"Are you still climbing?" She asked, looking down to where he seemed to have stopped.

Eddie struggled by one arm, clamouring to regain his grip. "Right now I'm dangling, give me a second."

Smiling, she manoeuvred onto the other cable and began a descent to help him.

As he continued to struggle, she came face to face with him. "Hiya, Ed."

He beamed his boyishly bright grin at her and finally got hold of his empty grip with his left hand. "Hiya, pussycat."

"Give me your lifeline."

"What?"

"Trust me."

He frowned. "I'd rather not put my lifeline in your paws, if you mind."

Reaching up, she unsecured it and tsked. "Baby."

"I need that in the event of a sudden drop." He protested.

She climbed higher than him again and secured his lifeline. "Okay, let go of your grips."

Making sure she had actually secured his line, he released the grips and dangled helplessly above a five and half story drop, looking like a kitten held by the scruff of his neck in his harness, spinning slowly on his rope.

She secured her own line and dropped carefully down to join him.

They both dangled in the elevator shaft for a rest, Eddie wriggled his boots idly.

"Ever wonder what life would have been like if you had invented the elevator?" He asked suddenly.

She smirked. "Never."

"Neither have I." He replied quickly.

They dangled for a moment in silence.

"I'll say one thing for this harness, it gives a man good support in the nether regions…"

* * *

><p>The twelfth floor.<p>

Finally they reached their destination and cracked open the elevator doors enough to scoot through.

They climbed into the ceiling to avoid cameras, crawling around on their hands and knees until Selina finally let them drop into the room they were looking for.

As the two of them moved to a nice, roomy workspace, Eddie booted up the computer.

"Will these work for your needs?" Selina asked.

"I should hope so." He replied, hacking into the password encrypted start up screen.

Perching on the table at his side, she played with her legs, lifting them and dropping them. "How long will this take?"

"Substance analysis takes hours, get comfortable." He replied.

"Hours?"

Glancing over, Eddie smirked at her. "What's wrong? Have a date for tonight?"

"No, I just didn't prepare to be here for hours alone with you." She said.

He familiarized himself with the program. "Why? I think of all the men in Gotham, you'd be safest with me."

"Because you're gay?" She asked.

"If I were gay, Selina dear, I wouldn't have admired your ass so much when you shoved it in my face earlier."

"Pervert," she cooed.

"Red blooded male," he corrected, opening up the right program and reaching over to switch on the lab equipment he needed.

"What makes you so safe, then?" She asked.

"Because if I wanted you, kitten, I would have had you years ago." He replied.

She laughed softly. "You really do have an ego the size of Australia if you think you can flash me a grin and a wink and think I'll melt."

"Of course not, Selina dear. A man as smart as me knows it takes much more than just a smile and a wink to impress you." He replied. "One has to earn your affections."

"Or just impress my feminine side." She whispered.

Quirking a brow, Eddie never once looked up from the computer. "Sugary flattery doesn't seem your style."

Leaning down, she smirked at him. "I didn't mean flattery, Ed."

"Ah, you enjoy a fine physical male specimen." He muttered, leaning back in his chair smugly.

"When you put it that way, you make me sound shallow."

"Aren't you, kitten?"

"Are you ready for the bombshell?" She purred.

"Your ass wasn't the bombshell?" He returned sharply.

Setting her hands on the armrests of his chair, Selina leaned down until her nose touched his. "The way to this cat's heart is grilled salmon."

Eddie chuckled. "I'll be sure to remember that."

"I hope you do." She replied, returning to her perch beside the computer. "So, what about you, Ed? What kind gets your juices going?"

"None." He replied swiftly. "I hate everyone equally."

"Except for me. Right?"

He touched a hand to his chin. "Maybe...depends on your mood."

Selina chuckled softly and changed the subject. "So what happens if you don't get your substance analysis read out on time tonight?"

"Then we do things my way and steal everything we need. Which really should be your way when you think about it..."

"Well, if I'm not needed, I'll be over in the corner taking a nap. Watch out for guards, hm?"

"Should I be worried about guards?"

"Not really, they only make their rounds in the halls, they never check the rooms."

"I'm curious as to how you know this."

"Night, Ed."

* * *

><p>She woke much later.<p>

Since she didn't intend to sleep as long as she did, she shot upright and looked around nervously. Worried that something happened while she was out.

Thankfully it was still dark outside, the lights of Gotham still twinkled in the deep darkness of night.

The only light in the room came from the computer screen Eddie still sat in front of.

From where she had tucked herself into a corner, she saw he was playing some kind of game on the internet, probably bidding his time while he waited for the analysis.

Shoving a lab coat off of her, she stood up. The coat wasn't something she had covered herself with, so she assumed Eddie had covered her with it.

"I'm not impressed by your attempt at chivalry," she greeted him.

He glanced up from the computer. "It wasn't an attempt at chivalry, my girl. It was common courtesy."

She smirked. "What time is it?"

"Three and a bit," he said, taking a sip of coffee out of a Styrofoam cup. "Are you hungry?"

"A little, where'd you get the coffee?"

"Vending machine in the hall."

"But the camera…"

"Don't worry about it, pussycat."

"What do you have going on there?" She pointed to the computer screen.

"Deathrider IV. Apparently you get points for running people over in your car, then you take the points to the garage and they upgrade your 'ride'." He replied. "I don't really understand the 'why's' of the game, it's merely to pass time."

"You've pretty much done everything there is to do on the internet, haven't you?"

"It's not really fun editing the online encyclopedia to read 'Batman is a fascist overlord of the proletariat' anymore and I've looked up all the bomb recipes I'll ever need." He pushed the wheeled office chair out from the computer. "Basically I got bored."

Sitting boldly in Eddie's lap, she leaned over the computer keyboard. "How does this work?"

"Press the up arrow to get the car moving. Right and left to turn it, down for brakes. If you want to use your nitrous, press the shift key."

On screen the car began moving, inching along until she got the feel of it.

"Don't hit the dog," Eddie helped, leaning over her shoulder to see. "You don't get any points and…well it's just mean. Oh, right there. Hit the cop, fifty points for a skinny cop. You get a hundred for a fat one, but only because he dents your hood a little and it takes about twenty-five points to get the dings out. Don't stop here," he said. "If you stop near a hooker she'll jump in and roll you. You'll lose all your points."

Selina winced as it was too late and the animated woman leapt into the car and beat the crap out of Eddie's character. "Sorry."

"Well…I was passing time anyways." He replied. "It's not like I was committed to buying those spinners."

Turning off the game, Selina turned her attention to the program that had been running in the background. "When will your analysis be done?"

"It's got a little less than half to go. I think we'll be okay."

They fell silent for a moment, before Eddie spoke.

"Selina?"

"Hm?"

"Not that I don't love having you in my lap, but…"

She stood up and seated herself on the desk beside the computer.

Again they fell into a companionable silence.

"Eddie?"

"Hm?"

"Do you have any talents? I mean, besides puzzles and tinkering with things…"

He pushed back in the chair and set his feet in her lap. "Talents? You mean like dancing and origami and such?"

Idly playing with the laces on his boots, she nodded. "Yeah. Something people would pay to see."

"I'm afraid none of my talents are marketable." He replied. "Why do you ask?"

"I kind of owe Ozzie a favour…"

"And he wants you to work it off at the lounge. Right?"

"Something like that. How'd you guess?"

"I'm a genius…and he's been asking around a lot lately."

"Of course."

"He's getting desperate."

"Why do you think that is?"

"He's an old lech. Can't keep female performers."

Touching a hand to her chin, she feigned mild shock. "That's what he is…"

Cradling the back of his head in his hands, Eddie smiled. "Of course, he does pay well."

"Have you…worked for him before?"

"On stage, no. But he's generous in all aspects of his business."

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

"That's the human condition isn't it?"

"I have no talents."

"I personally enjoy when someone gets onstage and repairs a TV, but that's me." He replied. "Of course, you are aware that when Ozzie asks a woman to perform onstage, he's looking for something a little…more burlesque."

"I know. I was hoping to avoid the cat calls."

Eddie giggled at her unintentional pun. "Well…how do the kids put it nowadays? You're boned."

"Thanks, Ed. I appreciate your concern."


	9. Breakthru

**jacksparrowlovesme - I'm glad you noticed that! I did indeed slip that TV repair comment in just for you. ^_^**

**Robot521 - I have to agree with you. I always saw him as a leg man, but could you blame him for being an ass man in this? Selina has a killer rear end. I mean, I'm a heterosexual woman and even I find it kind of rumpalicious. The skin tight PVC probably doesn't hurt in accentuating the buns either...  
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**Wow, that was a strange lack of reviews...does this story stink that bad? Is that a lack of interest I hear creeping upon me? Yikes, back to creative writing class with you, Spy...*hangs head* Is it my strange, sometimes eerie Canadian spelling? Is it the Queen songs? It's the Swedish thing, isn't it? Look, I explained it to you, Sweden just wasn't right for me...it's not you, it's me!  
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><p><strong>Chapter Nine: Breakthru<strong>

****Edward****

Outside the office windows the sun was rolling about, pondering the implications of getting up.

Sitting at the computer willing the last 2 percent of the progress bar to hustle it's ass, Edward kept one eye on his work and another on the cat standing before the Gotham skyline.

He wondered if she knew he was watching her as she stood casually, eyes on the violent streets of the city below, clawed hands pressed against the glass like a child seeing the world for the first time.

His hands had begun trembling about an hour ago and he knew that a migraine was on the way, so he had clasped them firmly on his stomach and waited until the read-out was ready. Keeping his mind off the coming storm by keeping his eyes on the femme fatale at the window.

Pain blossomed behind his eyes and he resisted the urge to rub at them.

_Get your mind off it, Edward_. He ordered himself.

At the window Selina shuffled to the side, apparently watching something take place somewhere in the city.

He studied the line of her body, the way her long legs were enhanced by the tight black confines of her PVC pants, the way her hips were perhaps wider than was fashionable, the way the seam that settled in the valley of her bottom seemed stressed, perhaps ready to burst had it been a weaker stitch job.

Edward shook his head. He wasn't a lecherous fellow. Selina's ass was only there for him to eye casually, not for him to be ogling like a cat house caller. If anything he respected her too much to turn her into mere eye candy. Of course he'd never admit this to her.

Touching a hand to his forehead, he sighed. It was a terrible feeling, needing something, but not knowing just what it was he needed. It was like a constant itch, something that drove him to fidget far more than usual. To have little to no attention span. To toss and turn in his bed.

One percent to go.

Across the room Selina pulled away from the window and paraded her perfect body towards him.

He didn't miss a single step she took, watching her from under a fringe of cherry wood hair.

Hopping up onto the desk, she crossed her legs daintily and studied her claws. "People are going to start pouring into the building in an hour." She said.

"We'll be gone by then." He replied.

Edward could feel her eyes on him, she was studying him with sharp eyes. He knew if anyone could see through his act it was her. She knew he wasn't as top shelf as he claimed to be. It was read in her eyes, the way they narrowed at him, but retained a soft, almost kind look.

"Ever play the question game?" She asked.

"How does one play that?" He inquired.

"Well, you…you're playing it with me right now, aren't you?"

"Playing what?"

She smirked. "Are you talking to me?"

"Is there anyone else here?"

"Do you see anyone?"

"Should I?"

"Are you so certain we're not alone?"

"Are you implying something?"

"Do you think I'm implying something?"

"Are you trying to confuse me?"

"Do I need to confuse you?"

"Are you sure you've played this game before?"

"Can't you tell?"

"Are you so sure you want to play this game with me?"

"Do you think you're better at it than me?"

"Have you met me?"

Selina hesitated, before responding with. "Are you sure you're the you I've met?"

"Are you floundering already?"

"Are you insinuating that I can't hold my own?"

"Do you want to call it quits?"

"Have you ever known me to call anything quits?"

"Are you still allowing Batman to paw you inappropriately?"

"Don't you like him?"

"Have you ever known me to like Batman?"

"Have you ever given him a chance?"

"Do you want to have his Bat babies?"

"Well, now you're just grilling me for information." She said.

Edward beamed and licking the tip of his finger made a mental point for himself. "One - love, Riddler."

Stooping over him in the chair, he half expected Selina to do something violent (as was her way with him) and leaned back appropriately in response. However, she did the opposite of violent by taking hold of his face in both hands and pressing her lips to his.

It wasn't an overly dirty kiss, it was quick and fast, simple and a little modest, but it threw him.

Pulling away she smirked ever so and wandered off again.

He watched her go, utter confusion painting his face.

_What the hell just happened?_

Slumping against the desk, he touched a hand to his chin and pondered Selina's reaction to losing.

What was she playing at?

* * *

><p>Later as he sat in the passenger seat of the car, reading over the results of the tests, he realized that they hadn't said a single word to each other since the kiss.<p>

It wasn't awkward.

Far from it.

They were comfortably silent.

But still, in the back of his mind he worked over what he could have possibly done to earn a kiss from the ethereal Goddess that was Catwoman.

With his mind on the results and his subconscious on the kiss, he forgot all about the migraine that was building.

"According to this read out, the pills contain nothing unexpected in a typical Arkham cocktail of drugs, except this one plant based chemical Demetradin…I'm not familiar with it." He said finally.

"Plant based, you say?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"You know what I'm thinking?"

"I can imagine where you're going with this."

"She's the only one in Gotham who might be able to give you the information you need…"

Edward scowled out the window at the passing shops. "I don't know if I can deal with her today."

"I'll tell you what, Ed. Why don't I take you back to the dealership, you can get a few hours of sleep and I'll drop by later and take you over to Ivy's. She might be a little more helpful if I'm with you."

"It's better than a kick in the teeth, I suppose." He replied.

Getting out of the car at the dealership, Edward clutched the read-out like it was a lifeline. He felt made of paper. Frail and ready to tear apart at any second.

"Oh and Ed?" Selina called after him.

He leaned in through the open window.

"Make sure you get some sleep. You look like hell." She said.

He quirked a brow at her, but said nothing, just watched as she drove off.

In the early, dewy morning he stood watching the car drive into the distance.

Above him the sun was peeking out and it was already blazing hot.

It was going to be a very hot one.

Sighing he trudged to the door and opened it, inside the room was hazy with smoke.

"Fire!" Edward gasped, darting inside to save his meagre belongings and his girls.

He was halfway across the main showroom floor when it hit him. The smoke had a strange smell to it and while he never indulged, he certainly knew the scent when he smelled it.

Curious, he wandered the dealership, looking for the source.

It was in the back, in the office he had given Jervis, that he found the culprits, sitting around a hookah in what looked like an opium den.

Jonathan Crane puffed calmly on the end of his hookah pipe and eyed Edward in the doorway. He didn't say anything, just sort of eyed him with a glazed look in his eye.

Waving smoke out of his face, Edward scowled at his girls and Jervis, all of whom huddled around the hookah puffing on their own pipes.

Finally Crane spoke taking the end of the hookah pipe away from his mouth in a regal gesture. "Who are you?"

Jervis beamed widely.

Edward was less impressed.

"What the hell?" He greeted finally. "I…well…who's idea was this?"

Crane raised his hand, still puffing on his pipe.

"What the hell are you doing here and what the hell happened to this room?" Edward demanded.

"Pot helps with the migraines." Crane replied simply. "And the subsequent nausea."

"Okay, and how'd this room get…like this?" He asked, sweeping his arms around him at the fine furniture and rugs that loaded the place with a homey feel. "It looks like a den of iniquity."

"Jervis said I could stay here if I helped him move some things." Crane replied.

"Oh, hell no." Edward moved across the room and took hold of Crane's skinny arm. "Come on, you're getting out of here and you're taking your vile weed with you."

Crane slumped heavily, refusing to be of any use.

Edward tugged hard, dragging the man's deadweight about a foot, before giving up with a sigh. He was too tired and confused by the events of the night to argue.

"Non-violent resistance." Crane pointed out, puffing away on his hookah. "The hippies finally made themselves useful to me."

"I'm going to a well ventilated area for a nap," Edward said. "When I get up, you're going to be gone." He got all of two steps, before turning on the group once more. "I mean really, Gotham's underworld is going to hell in a hand basket and you're sitting around getting stoned? This isn't a Grateful Dead concert!" He hissed at Crane, the cause of (and as much as he hated to admit it, the answer to) all his problems in life.

"Must be getting early," Crane began simply.

"Clocks are running late…" Nina added slyly.

Snapping his fingers, Edward pointed sternly at the brunette. "Don't you start."

"…didn't know your father was coming over, Ed." Crane muttered.

Without a word, Edward turned and stormed off. "If I were my father, I'd just punch him in the back of the head, that usually worked on me." He growled darkly.

* * *

><p>Despite his best efforts, he found sleep evaded him.<p>

He could still taste Selina Kyle lingering on his lips and it disturbed him.

There was something odd and out of place about her earlier action that put him on edge. That, coupled with his desperate need for action, put Edward into a sort of restless state. He had several things to be done and only one, very ragged, very exhausted body.

Pushing out of his little nest on the floor of his office and up into the chair behind his desk, he sat sullenly and contemplated the situation. His mind wasn't thinking as clear as it could, he knew that.

Going over the read-out he crossed out the chemicals he knew were supposed to be in anti-psychotic meds, he crossed out the tranquilizers and the anti-depressants, leaving only the compound which he was certain comprised the drug that they were all hooked on.

As he pondered the strange, unknown substance, he doodled idly in the margins. Question marks and riddles, a duck eating the Penguin with a knife and fork, swirls and a very tastefully done 'Die! Liddell! Die!'. It wasn't until he finished the rough shape of a woman that he began to take interest in what his idle hand was doing, out had come curvaceous hips onto the paper, a bountiful bosom and a cat cowl to top her off. All this while he was deep in thought over something else entirely.

Smirking at the Catwoman he drew, he finished her off with a small, secretive smirk, before he noticed the two question marks over her head that had formed a heart with one facing backwards.

Moving his hands from the paper, he realized that the crude form was hardly crude at all. His subconscious mind had remembered details about her costume that he had never really thought about before. The seams that ran up the sides, the belt, the little hoop on the zipper on the front at her throat that looked like a cat collar.

He realized that her body was in proportion to her real life form. That her breasts were not abnormally large, but quite fitting for her body.

Reaching out to turn the page a little for a better look, he found his hand trembling and snatched it back to his chest. Opening and closing it in an effort to stave off the quakes.

It was going to be a rough day.


	10. Headlong

**jacksparrowlovesme - That is exactly what I was going for. I figured Crane would get a huge kick out of the hookah, plus he seems like the type who'd enjoy getting stoned with the Mad Hatter and a bevy of ladies.**

**Robot521 - I'm glad you caught that. ^_^ Sometimes I feel like my little inserts go amiss because the might be too obscure. I mean, this one wasn't as obscure as most, but I always get happy when someone catches one of my little nods to great literature or entertainment.**

**Vi - You have to admit if the Riddler ever admitted having a male reaction to you, wouldn't you be a little taken aback by it? I mean, he's not really the type, so it's out of place and weird when he does it.**

**eatingsupernoodles - Thanks. I actually try to update regularly. I hate when you follow a story and the writer only updates once in a blue moon. It makes me sad.**

**Esmeralda Smith - LMAO. Is all I have to say to that. L-M-A-O.**

**bleedy - I almost wasn't going to write a stoned Scarecrow, but he was popping in anyways and I did mention that he was down to pot as a last resort, hence a stoned Crane came about.**

**ChaoticBane - Two-Face will be back at some point. It's hard trying to cram so many villains into one story, but I like to have them weave in and out at least.**

**Warning: This chapter might throw you if you've gotten into the groove of it being Eddie, Lina, Eddie, Lina. This is another Eddie POV chapter. So...just in case you miss that. **

**Also, my stereotypical Canadian cold-assed-winters-spent-on-frozen-ponds upbringing helped me in this chapter, see if you can spot what it helped me with. (pssst, it's hockey). A super creepy face for anyone who can tell me the player Eddie borrowed his stats from. *warms up the ol' facemaker*  
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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Ten: Headlong<strong>

****Edward****

Later that day Jervis and Crane popped their heads into his office looking like they were up to something.

His first tip off that they were plotting something was that they were dressed in their gear and Jon was holding a mass of rope that he was slowly untangling and coiling up.

Pushing to his feet, Edward eyed them critically. "What's happening here?" He inquired.

Crane tilted his head. "We're going hunting, want to join?"

"Whatever are you hunting?"

"The rare and wily Liddell."

"And just how are you planning on getting to him? He's at work?" Edward pointed out.

Pointing his sharp scythe at the Riddler, the Scarecrow touched his friend's chin with the dull side of the blade. "You're going to love our plan, Edward. It kills two birds with one stone."

"Impossible. But, let me get ready."

"Do you still have your stolen guard uniform?" Crane inquired innocently.

Jervis held up a name patch proudly.

Edward beamed. "Is it because I'm theatrical that you like to put me in the position of bait?"

* * *

><p>Edward boldly drove into the Arkham parking lot for the guards.<p>

He had left Crane and Jervis back in Gotham. They were getting some kind of back up, while he was chosen to head into the lion's den to face his death.

He flashed a fake name badge to the guard at the front gate.

The guard checked his computer. "You're the new guy, huh?"

"Max Cady. It's my first day." Edward replied calmly. "I'm a little nervous."

"Don't let the animals inside discover that," the man said warmly. "They'll eat you alive. Literally. Some of them are cannibals."

"Good to know."

"Okay, your background checks out." The guard said. "Good luck, Max."

"Thanks. Hey, if you see me running, you do the same."

The guard laughed. "Will do. Thanks for the heads up."

Parking the car, Edward smiled to himself. So far it was relatively easy, using his badge he stepped up to the service entrance and flashed it.

The guard there looked less than welcoming as he scowled deeply at the new guy, he too checked the computer to validate the new guard's arrival.

"Looks like you're a few minutes late." The guard replied gruffly as he patted Edward down and waved the metal detector wand over his body.

Edward scowled. "I had trouble finding the place. Give me a break, it's my first day."

The other guard scoffed and touched a button on his walkie-talkie. "Hey, Garth it's Davis. I have the new guy here, he's looking to get in."

The radio crackled. _Does he have clearance._

"No, I'm a goddamned idiot and didn't check that shit out. Open the fucking door."

Edward smiled broadly at the man as the door buzzed open. "It's been a pleasure, good sir."

"Don't get smart, you prick."

Stepping in through the door into the actual asylum, Edward found a young, blond guard stepping over to him with a sign in sheet.

"Hey, first day, huh?"

Edward took the clipboard and hastily signed his name. "Yeah, I'm nervous, but trained. You know?"

"Don't worry. They don't put you on serious duty until you're properly broken in." The man said. "I'm Pete Garth."

"Max Cady."

"Anyways. They're expecting you upstairs for your riot gear fitting and last minute introductions to your duties. I'll buzz Andrews and she'll take you the rest of the way."

Shrugging, Edward handed the clipboard back. "Alright, sounds good. Mind if I hang around here until then?"

"Naw, not at all. Come on, you can wait in my office." Garth opened the door into the bullet proof room where he sat monitoring a screen of the outer asylum perimeters.

Getting on his radio, Garth asked for Andrews and sat back in his chair.

"So, where're you from, Max?"

"Indiana."

"Really? What the hell brought you to Gotham?"

"Our state trooper division went under. Budget cut-backs and such, so I looked for other available police work, but I got tired of Indiana. So I came here and this was the best paying job. Gotham's an expensive city, you know."

"Well, that's because it can get pretty rough."

"Tell me about it."

"So, you're tall enough, must have played basketball in school, huh?"

"No, I was right wing for our hockey team in college though."

"No kidding! I was left wing in college."

"Small world." Edward replied calmly.

Garth laughed amiably. "You, ah, must have been a hellfire on skates, huh?"

Edward smiled. "I scored forty eight points in fifty one games my junior year."

"Holy hell! So where'd you put your stick?"

"In as many co-ed's as possible." Edward replied.

Garth laughed and held his hand up. "You got that right!"

Finding a high five distasteful, Edward swallowed his pride and reciprocated.

"We should hit up that new titty bar on twenty-first after work." Garth said.

"That's the best idea I've heard all day." Edward replied.

They fell silent as a female guard passed by the glass window.

She opened the door and smiled. "You must be the greenhorn. I'm Laverne Andrews."

"Good to know. I'm Max Cady."

The older, but powerful looking black woman smiled. "Come along, we'll get you set up upstairs."

"Lead the way."

As Edward followed the woman she chatted away about mindless things, small talk and the likes.

Soon they paused at a innocuous looking door.

"You have a uniform, but did Betty set you up with riot gear?"

Perfect.

"No," Edward began, smiling broadly, "she said you'd get me everything I need."

Andrews smiled. "Of course. Okay, well step into my parlour." She said, unlocking the door and pressing in a code into the system box beside the door.

It hissed open.

Inside there were rows upon rows of riot gear, weapons and helmets all of them well used and waiting to be used again.

"Don't mind the smell," Andrews said. "A few weeks back we had a breakout and a lot of guards got singed. Most guards in the minimum security areas don't wear their helmets unless all hell's breaking loose. Always wear one on max, though. It can get pretty rough. So if you ever hear the alarm klaxons going, you hurry your ass down here and get strapped in, alright? There's four or five service elevators that you can unlock with your code, that leads you right down to this room. I'll show you all those later. Understand?"

"Alright."

She pulled out a heavy duty drawer full of Kevlar vests. "Okay, I'm going to give you some privacy to try on a few vests, just take your shirt off and find one that fits best, label it well and hang it in an open locker when you go off shift tonight. We'll get your name set up over your locker later."

"Sounds like a plan." Edward replied.

He waited until the door hissed shut behind the woman, before hastily unbuttoning the dark navy uniform shirt and lifting his undershirt up.

Plastered to his torso were about two hundred tiny, plastic devices the Mad Hatter had made. Quickly, he walked the rows of gear, sticking one each into the helmets where the temple would be.

He was two thirds done when the com on the wall near the door buzzed and Andrews spoke.

_Everything okay in there?_

Edward touched the button to respond. "Yeah, just trying to find one that's long enough for me. I'm a tall man."

Andrews laughed. _Alright, you make sure it fits properly now, you'll need every inch covered that you can get._

"Roger."

Quickly he finished bugging the helmets, before grabbing a vest at random and strapping it on.

He buzzed Andrews that he was finished and waited as she opened the door for him.

She smiled. "Find a good one?"

"Yeah. Fits like a glove."

"Good, let's get you upstairs and-"

"Actually, do you mind if I call my girlfriend first?" At Andrews' strange look he elaborated. "She's pregnant and we're expecting it any day now. I just want to check in."

The woman smiled. "Aw, that's lovely. What is it?"

"A girl. Yeah, we're looking forward to her."

"Well, you just go ahead, there's a phone at my station. Come on, I'll lead the way."

As they moved deeper into the asylum, Edward kept his eyes peeled for someone who might recognize him. A guard from the sixth floor or an orderly or doctor.

Thankfully they were still on the first and so far he didn't recognize anyone.

At the station, Andrews motioned to the phone. "Go ahead, honey."

"Thanks."

Picking up the phone, he dialed the disposable cell number Crane had given him.

"Are they planted?" Crane greeted.

"Hi, sweet cheeks." Edward replied. "Yeah, I just got finished my vest fitting."

"We're getting into position now. What the hell was the sweet cheeks thing about?"

"Who's there with you?"

"A few colleagues. Don't worry, we only recruited the best at creating chaos."

"Well, just make sure you don't forget your doctor's appointment."

"Give us five."

As Crane said this, Edward glanced up and noticed Liddell himself strutting down the hall towards them.

"Can you do better than that?" He asked, turning his back on the doctor as Liddell moved to a door marked files across the hall from the guard station.

"Why?"

"I'll see you soon, pumpkin."

"Relax, Edward. Have some fun while you're dressed as a guard."

Hanging up on Crane, Edward turned to Andrews' while Liddell was still in the filing room.

"What's in there?" He asked, pointing to the room that was clearly marked 'FILES'.

"Old files from patients. Doctor's are always coming down here to move their old files into the storage in there."

"Ah, I see."


	11. Now I'm Here

**jacksparrowlovesme - You know. Eddie in a strip club is a great idea, but I could never see it either. Still...he's pimp enough. He could pull it off. He'd be all sitting in a booth, making it rain...grinning broadly as he did it. (I've officially gone off my rocker, methinks or watched too many rap videos...although that last one is highly unlikely since I don't much care for rap...) Where was I? Who are you? Get off my lawn.  
><strong>

**Esmeralda Smith - Congratulations! You've won the grand prize on Guess That Hockey Player! Show 'em what they won, Johnny! *Johnny points to some creepy old guy with no teeth making kissy faces* It was indeed Gordie Howe. (Seriously, I don't even like hockey, but you live here long enough you learn these things through osmosis).**

**Robot521 - Damn Eddie for being the theatrical one. He's just better at performing than the others and always gets the crummy (fun!) jobs.  
><strong>

**Vi - Aw...just for you, I give you super cute face. *warms up facemaker* *pulls epic cute face* Behold, my pwecious, big, watery eyes and cute little button nose! I'm adowable!  
><strong>

**Note: I was going to have a whole action chapter to end things at Arkham, but I thought it was pretty unnecessary. I mean, the plans would either go good or bad, so...whatever. That's how I roll. Sorry to disappoint those who were looking forward to some chaos and violence. But you might forgive me after you read this chapter.  
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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eleven: Now I'm Here<strong>

****Selina****

Across from her the two violent bitches that dominated Eddie's lair, eyed her with suspicious, narrowed eyes.

She coolly eyed them back, staring at them unblinkingly, waiting until they looked away first, before turning her attention back on the book of crosswords Ed had left on his desk.

She quietly filled the boxes in, purposely getting them wrong just to fuck with the Riddler.

Neither of his bimbos would tell her where he was, but neither of them made any move to do anything about her intrusion into their space, so Selina assumed Eddie had spoken with them about her.

Crossing her legs demurely, she bit down delicately on the end of the pen.

In the main showroom, the three women heard the others return and perked up.

Gradually Jervis wandered by the open door.

He was covered head to foot in a grey powder and his face was streaked with the same substance.

He was followed by the Scarecrow who roughly pushed a bound and gagged man ahead of him, finally Eddie brought up the rear, his hands full of papers and files.

Everyone was covered in the strange dust.

Selina pushed to her feet, as Eddie entered the room, his head bowed to an open file.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Hn?" He set the files down, still reading one of interest.

"What's all that crud all over you?" She asked.

Eddie looked up with a quirked brow and took in his guard uniform. "Oh, ah…ash."

"Ash?" She drew near enough him to smell the scent of smoke and reeled back ever so. "Who's the man in chains?"

"Liddell." Eddie replied, still reading over his file.

"What's in the file?"

Looking up again, Eddie motioned behind her to his girls. "My girls, do you mind giving us a few minutes alone? Go help Scarecrow and Jervis with the prisoner."

"Sure thing, boss." The brunette said as the two henchwomen slunk out of the room.

Sitting on his desk, Eddie set the file down and eyed Selina politely.

"What's going on?" She repeated.

"We made a raid on Arkham. I wanted these files and Crane wanted Liddell."

Her eyes widened in shock. "You…raided Arkham? How? That place would take an army to get inside and…"

"We had Bane, Two-Face and Firefly at our backs. Plus I rigged some helmets with Jervis' mind control devices and we had a pretty good army after that."

"Ah…well Bane's an army unto himself, isn't he?" She furrowed her brow as Eddie touched a hand to his eyebrow and rubbed hard. "Migraine?"

"I think it's just a lack of sleep," he replied. "I'm thinking we may not need to go and see Ivy, everything I need could be here in these files. I just have to sort through them and…" he trailed off when Selina grabbed hold of his Kevlar vest and began unstrapping it. "What are you doing?"

"When was the last time you got a proper night's sleep?"

"Two or three weeks. Why?" He touched his hands to hers and tried to fend her off weakly.

She continued her attack, tossing Kevlar vest aside and beginning on his dark navy shirt. "You need sleep, Eddie. Don't worry about the files right now. You're no good to anyone running on empty."

He scowled. "And undressing me is going to help me relax?"

She smirked wickedly. "Shut up and get your shirt off."

"I really don't know where you're going with this…but I'm in no position to refuse."

Snatching off his sunglasses, she flung them onto a chair across the room. "Where's your bed?"

Eddie extended a long leg and kicked his oxford against the arm of an old sofa. "It pulls out."

Leaving Eddie to undress himself, she pulled the sofa out and found the blankets all folded and crushed up inside the pullout. Locking the door, she removed her cowl and smiled at Eddie from across the room.

He sat on his desk, shirtless and pensive.

"Get on the bed," she ordered.

Quietly he obeyed.

"Face down," she purred, joining him.

"You're not going to execute me, are you?" He inquired.

She smirked and straddled the backs of his thighs, pulling her gloves off carefully and laying them aside.

"Relax," she whispered, bare hands gripping his shoulders.

His lean, muscles were bunched up, but she began to work them loose with firm pressure.

"I think when Liddell comes around from his…"

"Shh," she cut him off. "Quiet. No more business talk, Ed."

"It's Edward, actually." He mumbled into the pull out's lumpy mattress.

Selina had to admit, rubbing Eddie down as she was, was kind of thrilling.

In her short life she had many sexual encounters, but for some reason the forbidden nature of touching the Riddler turned her on. Maybe it was because he was always very careful about keeping his distance from people, she never approached him with as much determination as she would any other man in the underworld. One didn't just touch the Riddler, the Riddler touched you when he felt it necessary.

It could have also been the fact that he was so vulnerable beneath her that turned her on a little. She always loved willing prey.

Beneath her skilled hands, Eddie groaned a little.

They both tensed again at the sound.

Images flooded Selina's mind. Things she had never thought of before came into her brain. Eddie beneath her, Eddie inside her, Eddie all around her, groaning. She thought of that smile of his, shining down on her in the dark of night, in the warmth of a bed. His smile. The one thing that truly terrified her about him, because it had so many shades to it. It was madness, glee, charm, wit and danger. It could be both deadly and child-like.

Steeling herself, she pushed those thoughts out of her head and powered on, massaging him into a blissful state. Leaning down, she whispered. "Get some sleep, Ed."

"I'd love to, but those files."

"Can wait for a few hours."

She ran her hands down his pale back until they bumped against the belt on his pants, before they slipped back up.

Eddie wasn't hairy like most men. From what she saw of him, he was likened to a twelve year old boy when it came to body hair, but she didn't mind. She did like a slightly hairy chest to rub against when in the throes of passion, but one dealt with what one was given.

Selina shook her head. She was thinking wicked things again and the Riddler was off limits. She vowed never to involve herself with him of all people. He would enjoy it too much and that wasn't what Selina Kyle did. She tormented men, she tortured Eddie especially. She was the only one who could take him down a peg and never seem to get in trouble for it.

Oh, he killed better men than her for words that were far more tactful as she would have uttered to him, but for some reason she always got away with a jab at his intellect or his _supreme_ being.

"If I promise to lay here with you, Ed, will you promise me you'll get some sleep?"

He pushed up as far as he could go with her riding him and angled his head to glower at her. "Not really. I'd sleep lighter thinking you were about to garrotte me at my most beautiful."

"Don't you trust me?" She inquired.

He wriggled and squirmed until he was on his back, looking up at her. "No." He replied simply, brow furrowed. "In fact, I'm getting highly suspicious of your treatment of me lately." He pushed up onto his elbows, bringing his bare chest in contact with the front of her suit and her breasts beneath the PVC.

"I'm not trying to kill you." She said.

"No, but you're up to something, aren't you?"

Scoffing, she glanced away. "Have you ever known me to kill a man when he's defenseless?"

Eddie pinched the bridge of his nose.

He looked so fragile.

Selina had never seen him in that state. Looking so tired and lifeless.

It took a lot of strength for him to refrain from a chemical dependency to fight the withdrawal symptoms, she knew this and she admired him for it.

Eddie sighed heavily. "Riddle me this, kitten." He said softly. "What does a man do when he craves something dangerous, something he can never have that's always just out of reach?"

She quietly approached the bed, easing down onto the side opposite of him. "We'll get you a cure." She said.

"Who said I was talking about the drugs?" He asked, looking at her with sharp blue eyes that sliced through the dim room.

Selina frowned. She felt the bed tilting under her ass as though the world were shifting. Edward Nygma was a narcissist, he didn't see anything past his own nose sometimes, and he sure as hell never noticed _anyone_. But if she was reading his puzzling statement properly…

"Whatever you need," she said softly, "I'll try my best to give it to you."

_What the hell did you just say, Lina?_

Eddie tilted his head, pondering her words.

She could see his genius mind working at the speed of light and slowly, purposefully eased back onto the bed, arching her back seductively.

Her heart beat furiously and her breaths came out in shallow little hitches. Never in her life had she envisioned this sort of scene with the Riddler. Two-Face, Bane, hell even the Joker, but never with the Riddler.

He wasn't her type. Eddie was egomaniacal and nerdy, full of theatrics and cornball jokes and generally she never even thought of him as a man.

But the Riddler in the room with her was beaten and busted, left in a limbo state by some drugs that had been pumped into his system in Arkham. He was just submissive enough to appeal to her twisted sense of dominant sexuality.

The rush of how out of her league she felt seducing Edward Nygma was enough to make her light headed and she loved it.

Playing with the loop of her zipper, she waited Eddie's decision.

A man as smart as him would be weighing all his options and she saw that in his drawn face.

Selina smirked darkly and tugged her zipper down a little. "Most men wouldn't take so long debating whether or not they were going to ravish me." She said.

Touching a hand to his chin, he eyed her coolly, but said nothing.

"Well," she said after a few more minutes of awkward silence. Pushing into a sitting position, she prepared to leave. "I have better things that I could be doing with my time." It wasn't until she had her hands on her thighs and was somewhere between sitting and a standing position that she noticed his gloved hand had crawled halfway across the bed towards her.

She watched it slide back quickly and Edward stood as well.

He gave her a dismissive glance, before moving across the room to his desk. "Who needs sleep. I've heard men have survived on less." He growled, snatching up a shirt on his way past a file cabinet.

Selina stared at the spot where his hand had made the brave journey towards her with an eerie feeling of a missed opportunity. She had expected Edward Nygma to move so quickly and sure when it came to the chance for sex, that she thought he was spurning her advances and she jumped the gun in getting up. Never had she thought the Riddler would need a moment or two to work up the courage to approach her.

Zipping herself up with only a bit of shame now that the moment had passed, she sighed and collected her gloves and cowl. "Look, you don't need me anymore, Ed. You have Tweedledee and Tweedledum to help you. I'll be around."

"Hm." He replied, shuffling through his papers.

She nodded as though expecting that sort of rebuke and opened the door.

* * *

><p>On her way out of the dealership, she came across the Scarecrow, standing in the shadows of a pillar, his burlap mask in one hand, his hair sticking up sweaty and tousled from it.<p>

In his hand he held a pipe, puffing away at it calmly.

Quietly she approached him.

"I didn't know you smoked."

He blew out a puff of rancid smoke into her face and she waved it away quickly. "Ah, you finally got around to that brick of weed, hm?"

Crane chuckled darkly. "It seems to help."

"Whatever works. And, hey, at least it's not heroin."

Narrowing his pale eyes at her, Crane stooped his towering frame over enough to peer down at her. "We're both terrible at small talk. Get to the point."

"You know pot is supposed to mellow you, right?"

"I am mellow." He replied gruffly.

Touching his upper arm, she leaned in, eyeing the hall were the offices were. "I'm worried about Eddie."

Exhaling a plume of smoke elegantly, Crane smirked. "You don't care about anyone beyond yourself, so I know you're lying."

"Yeah, I'm a real bitch, Jon." She snarled, grabbing his arm and pulling him down closer to her. "Look, just keep an eye on him for me. Please?"

Biting daintily on the end of his pipe, Crane pondered this.

"He's pushing himself too hard." She went on.

"He's a grown man, Selina. He'll be fine."

Giving him a long, pointed look, Selina touched a hand to his cheek. "Do us all a favour, Jon. Give yourself a shave. You're beginning to look like a lumberjack." She purred, moving off towards the door.


	12. Another One Bites The Dust

**jacksparrowlovesme - Yeah, I always thought the Riddler would be like a puffed up peacock, except when it came to social situations that he wasn't really comfortable at. After all, he has one of those personality types that seems to puff themselves up to cover up their worries over not being adequate enough. Still, he should have dove in there.**

**ChaoticBane - Thanks for your review.  
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**Pinkqueen - Good question. Why do _you_ think it's called Cardboard Monsters?  
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**Robot521 - Don't worry, he's about to shave it off. Beards make me queasy.**

**bleedy - Your review made a horrible day much better. Thanks. And I'm the same way, sometimes things left to the imagination are the best things. But a few people were reviewing that they were looking forward to some action and I was like, eh it would have just dragged on.  
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**Vi - It's amazing how everyone in the underworld gets along, but they still wouldn't trust anyone any further than they could throw them. Could you imagine enjoying your best friend's company, but never fully trusting them not to stab you in the back (literally).**

**Oh, for fun you should all either PM me or put in your reviews (if you review, no pressure), why you think this story is called Cardboard Monsters!  
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><p><strong>Chapter Twelve: Another One Bites The Dust<strong>

****Edward****

Half an hour passed since Selina left and Edward hadn't moved one inch from his desk.

He glowered sullenly at the papers in his hand, not really reading them, but holding them anyways.

The door opened and closed, the new scent of pot wafted out from the Scarecrow as he seated himself across from Edward, perching on the still drawn bed.

Glancing up, Edward found Jonathan Crane still in his costume, freshly shaved and chomping on a pipe.

"Get that disgusting weed out of my office," he snarled.

Crane blew a puff of smoke his way. "You don't own the universe, Edward. You can't own the universe. It's eternal, it's everything. No one can _own _everything. Or maybe you can…" Jonathan Crane's eyes widened and he inhaled sharply.

Edward, fed up the Scarecrow's newest habit, dropped his papers on the desk. "Alright, that's more than enough existential talk. You'd better just quit before you get in too deep and not even Foghat will bring you out of it."

They fell into a silence. Edward still trying to look like he was working and Crane puffing away like a steam engine.

"What's your deal?" Crane asked finally. "You've got Selina Kyle of all people worried about you. Plus I come in here, find you half dressed, the bed out and but not slept in. Did she try to seduce you?"

"No."

"Did you try to seduce her?"

"No."

"So you're gay."

"No." Edward sighed. "What do you want?"

"I want to know why we fear. But right now, at this moment, I want to know why the hell you're so scared of Selina Kyle."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Edward growled a little in his throat.

Crane leapt out of the way just in time for the Riddler to upturn his desk and everything on it. "What's going on, Edward? I mean, sure she can be a bit...much, but..."

The Riddler grabbed hold of his cane and slapped his bowler on. "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm going to go and beat the sense out of Liddell."

He didn't care that he was half dressed, still wearing the uniform cargo pants from the Asylum, or that his shirt wasn't buttoned, all he wanted was to get out a little frustration.

Pushing Jervis out of his way in the hall, he upset the man and his tea tray.

"Ah, these are the things that upset me!" Jervis muttered helplessly as he slammed back against the wall.

Edward gripped his cane, hefting the weight as he pushed open the door to the office where Crane and Jervis had secured the prisoner.

Liddell, still high on the fear gas Crane had launched in his face, shrieked at the approaching nightmare.

Kicking the man's chair over, Edward proceeded to beat the hell out of him, busting his pretty boy face into ground beef.

In the doorway the others gathered, watching quietly.

And then the darkness and the violence ended.

Dropping his bloody cane onto the floor, Edward gripped his hand tightly at his side and bowed his head.

Liddell was still alive, but only just.

"Make sure he lives," Edward said to Echo who had crept up to stand beside him. "We need him alive."

Roughly wiping blood splatter off his chin, Edward turned and marched out. It had been satisfying, but still wasn't enough.

Inside his office again, he flopped back onto his pullout and huffed.

His mind was unfocused, he couldn't think. All his hands wanted to do was fidget and he was beginning to feel cold, despite the fact that he was sweating profusely.

Presently Jervis stuck his hatted head into the room, drawing it back, before tentatively entering, his hands loaded down with a tea tray.

He beamed. "Tea?"

"Why not?" Edward replied, moving to sit at his desk.

Dropping the tray clumsily, Jervis set out four cups and poured.

Edward was about to ask about the four cups, when Jervis bent down and scooped up a rabbit from the floor. It was attached to him via a leash and harness.

The poor thing was wearing a tiny top hat strapped to it's head and looked mildly bothered by it as it kept shaking it's head.

Still it sniffed at the tea as Jervis set the animal before a steaming cup.

"Found yourself a March Hare, hm?" Edward asked, sipping his tea calmly.

"Oh, one doesn't find a March Hare. Except I did. At the zoo."

"And your dormouse? Will it be joining us?"

Jervis reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a very stiff, very dead mouse. He dangled it by the tail.

"Jervis, your dormouse is dead."

The Mad Hatter turned wild blue eyes on the mouse in his hands. Bringing the mouse to his ear, the man listened patiently.

An awkward few minutes passed, while the Hatter listened to it's dead rodent and Edward sipped at his tea, before Jervis jerked the mouse away.

"Murder!" He gasped.

"It probably just suffocated in your pocket."

"Dormouse," Jervis warbled, eyes welling up with tears. "If you're dead, say something."

Another few minutes went by.

Edward helped himself to more tea, while the Mad Hatter stared intently at his dormouse.

The rabbit nibbled at a scone.

"She's fine." Jervis finally declared. "Thankfully."

Dropping the dead mouse into a cup of tea with a plop, the Mad Hatter proceeded to sip daintily at his own cup of tea.

Meanwhile, Edward eyed the mouse floating half in the cup and set his own down. "Teatimes with you are always interesting."

Reaching up, Jervis pushed back his top hat and beamed. "The time has come, Edward, to talk of many things. Of moods and pills and thieving cats of Alices and canes."

Edward shooed the rabbit off the scones and picked out a non-nibbled one to peck at. "And?"

"And why the Riddler is boiling hot and whether bats have wings."

"Bats do have wings, actually. And the Riddler is fine."

"Are you so sure that your Alice isn't my Alice?" Jervis jumped to an entirely different topic of conversation.

"She's not an Alice and she's not a natural blonde, so get your mind off of her."

Resting his elbow in the butter, Jervis placed his chin in his palm and sighed wistfully. "How wonderful it would be if she were my Alice...she could very well be such an Alice. An Alice for the ages..."

"This conversation is quickly becoming an incredible jabberwocky to me."

Jervis leapt up, knocking the tea tray over in his panic. "Jabberwocky?" He ducked low and scurried out of the room, leaving behind a dead mouse in a cup of tea and the little placard from his hat that read 'In this style 10/6' that floated gently to the floor.

Edward pushed the tea tray away from him and sighed. "Well...huh..."

He was wiping tea off the front of his pants, when he noticed two forms in his doorway.

Query and Echo stepped into the room, Echo holding his cane in her hands, Query wide eyed and tentative.

Slowly both girls closed the door behind them and sat on the bed at his side.

"Are you okay, boss?"

"I'm fine. I just learned why Crane never drinks tea with Jervis...but fine."

Query manoeuvred herself to sit so that Edward's head was in her lap.

She playfully put his bowler on and beamed down at him. "You want us to do something for you, boss? We'll do anything if it makes you feel better."

Setting his cane aside almost reverently, Echo lay at Edward's side, her hand stroking his chest.

"What's happening to me, girls? I used to be sharp." He muttered to the ceiling.

Query stroked his hair out of his eyes. "You're just sick, boss. You'll get better."

Pushing up to lean over him, Echo beamed. "Hey, boss. What can run, but never walks, has a mouth, but never talks, has a head, but never weeps, has a bed, but never sleeps?" She asked.

"River." He mumbled, throwing his arm over his eyes.

On the bed he felt his girls shift and move so that one lay on either side of him, both of them cuddling close to him, hands running over his torso soothingly.

Dropping his arm carefully, he found it was immediately captured by Query, who smiled at him as she wrapped herself around it.

Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to her temple. He had meant it as a somewhat fatherly gesture, but the instant his lips touched her flesh, he realized it was a mistake.

Her long, dark lashes lowered and she grinned coquettishly.

On his other side, Echo stretched and pressed her mouth to the side of his neck, sucking it ever so.

Before he could end what he knew he had accidentally set in motion, he found his blonde henchwoman hoisting herself up to straddle his waist. She grinned down at him, hands pushing his shirt off his stomach.

Echo was still nipping and sucking at his neck and throat, working her way across and up.

He could have sworn he heard the brunette growling low, under her breath as both women swarmed him.

Lightly scratching her nails down his chest and over his abdomen, Query lightly brushed her hands over his belt buckle, before sliding her palms over his thighs.

With her arms pressing against the sides of her breasts, enhancing her attributes and a pair of soft, warm breasts pressing themselves tightly against his side, Edward found he was in no position to resist. He wasn't a weak man, but it had been so long and he needed the distraction.

He watched as a wicked, evil look flickered behind the innocent blue eyes of Query, as she bowed her head then her body down low. Her soft, pink tongue emerged from plump red lips and she touched it lightly to the valley of his stomach muscles, licking a long, sinful line up his body, heading for his lips.

Meanwhile, Echo had found his ear and was tracing the shell with her tongue, pressing quick, heated kisses against the area just behind it as well.

Edward hissed as Query took a detour, gripping his nipple between her teeth and nibbling.

Smirking, he reached out and tucked her blonde hair behind her ears, before sliding a hand around to the back of her head and pulling her down for a searing kiss.

Their mouths clashed furiously.

He could taste Jervis' tea with honey and lemon in her kiss and smiled.

As his mouth caressed Query's, his restless hands found something to do, as they slipped down to tentatively palm her breasts over her shirt.

She pulled off him, sitting up straight on his stomach.

There wasn't time for him to really think, as she gripped the hem of her shirt and whipped it off.

_Of course she isn__'t wearing a bra_, he thought wryly. His girls were free spirits.

Echo greedily claimed his mouth, wanting her turn as well, distracting him from fully appreciating Query's attributes.

Funny how someone could go from dead tired to an engine of boundless energy. As Edward found himself less tired and more interested in the path his wicked little nymphs were leading him down.

His girls had him down to his question mark boxers in less time than it took most people to undress themselves, and soon he found himself in a mess of limbs and lips. He wasn't sure where his own hands were half the time.

His mind closed down, his hands had something to do. It was the perfect distraction.

* * *

><p>Standing perfectly still, his cane on his shoulder, Edward eyed Liddell bound and gagged in the chair before him.<p>

His face looked like hell, but it was mild compared to the hell's the 'good' doctor was about to face.

To the right of Liddell stood the Scarecrow, scythe at ready, to his left the Mad Hatter, calmly sipping tea.

Edward stood quietly for the longest time, unnerving Liddell with cat-like eyes under the brim of his bowler.

Finally he moved, placing the cold, brass handle of his cane under the doctor's chin and tilting the man's battered face upwards to look him in the eye.

The Riddler beamed. "Well, doctor, we had a hell of a journey here. Didn't we?"

Liddell averted his eyes.

Beside him the Scarecrow was drinking in the fear like an astronomer drinks in the stars, his chest rising and falling deeply.

"I'm not some two-bit thug, Amos." Edward cooed. "I don't usually beat people into submission. But," he paused, dropping his cane down to lean on it cavalierly, "for you I'm willing to make another exception."

"Look, I don't know what you want with me-" Liddell began.

"Do you know what I find exceptionally stupid about you, _doctor_?" Edward cut him off.

"I…"

"The fact that you never thought the patients of Arkham would ever find out about your experiments."

"What experiments? Look, Edward, I don't know why you have me here, but if you let me go-"

"Never going to happen." Scarecrow snarled, touching a hand to Liddell's shoulder and leaning in. "The only way you're getting out of here is on a gurney."

"I think it's time to clear your conscience, doctor." Edward said.

Liddell turned wide, terrified blue eyes on the Riddler. "Look, my family is rich, I can pay you-"

"Money is cocaine laced portraiture's of dead statesmen, Amos! I have no use for it!"

"Anything you want, it's yours, Edward." Liddell said. "I know you can be a rational man."

The Riddler beamed widely. "Why, Doctor Liddell! Madmen can't be rational, that's what makes us mad. The only thing I want, that you can give me, is answers."

"Answers?"

"For every…let's call them 'non-answer' that you give me, I'll get my girls to cut off a body part. So, you'd better be very forthcoming with your answers when I ask a question, _doctor_."

"Wait, Edward, if you're asking about an experiment-"

"Why, yes, let's begin with that!" Resting a polished oxford on the chair between Liddell's legs, Edward leaned in, resting his hands and cane on his bent knee. "What was the purpose of this experiment?"

"Which experiment?"

Tsking, Edward wagged a finger in Liddell's face. "You can't answer a question with another question, it's rude, Amos." Touching the man warmly on the cheek, Edward chuckled. "Echo? Gouge out his right eye."

From behind him, his brunette henchwoman stepped forward with a rather nasty looking combat knife. "Sure thing, boss."

"Please, please, please," Liddell muttered pathetically as Echo descended on him.

Edward waited until she was poised, before shouting, "wait!"

The woman backed off, leaving Liddell trembling in the chair.

"What's that sane word you used, doctor?"

"Rational." Crane provided.

"Right. I'm going to be rational - if I may?"

Liddell nodded furiously.

"Tell me about this experiment that has all the Arkham inmates addicted to something."

"I know of some experiments being run at Arkham," Liddell confessed. "But…I don't know about any that's anything like that. We have government run rehabilitation experiments being operated, but nothing that deals with addictions. I swear!"

The Riddler narrowed his eyes. "What kind of medications have the chemical Demetradin in, that you've prescribed?"

"Demetradin? I've never heard of it."

"Doctor?"

"I swear to you, I have no idea what it is."

Nodding, Edward clapped a hand on Liddell's shoulder. "Well then, I want a list of everyone that has access to the medications given to patients in the maximum security levels."

"Sure, okay. Just, please don't kill me?"

"Hm, well I've already granted you my one sane deed of the day, but you never know, doctor. I'm insane, we tend to be unpredictable. Give me a list and we'll see what happens."


	13. Bohemian Rhapsody

**bleedy - I'll always be a Lina/Eddie shipper, but my mood at the moment of writing that scene was kind of playful. ^_^**

**NoSpillBlood - There isn't much Query/Riddler/Echo is there? I would kind of like to read some...**

**Robot521 - I heartily agree. The quiet, insane ones are always the scariest ones. Your guess is a good one, but it's not the right one. ^_^**

**jacksparrowlovesme - You've just blown my mind...and grossed me out. Good on ya! Again, great guess, but not quite close.**

**I'mma run the 'guess the meaning of the title' challenge on into the next chapter to give everyone a good chance to chime in. Who knows, someone may win...something.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen: Bohemian Rhapsody<strong>

****Selina****

She was perched on a air vent on the top of the kitty litter factory, watching the Gotham skyline and swinging her legs.

Beside her a stray, fluffy grey cat curled up, napping lightly.

At the end of the night she knew she'd end up taking him home with her, that was just how she dealt with strays and the unwanted.

The crunch of gravel on the rooftop behind her caught her attention and she glanced over her shoulder.

A tall, broad Batman stood behind her, cape snapping in the breeze.

"It's a beautiful night," he greeted.

She smirked. "Cut the small talk, Bats. What do you want?"

"It may surprise you but I didn't seek you out for any particular reason," he replied, moving to stand beside her, his gloved hand stroking the fluffy cat idly.

Selina gave him the stink eye.

Batman shifted in his spot. "I could use a little information."

"Of course you can." She smiled softly. "You know the price."

"I'll ask Bruce to donate a few hundred thousand to the Cat Sanctuary on my behalf." He said.

She beamed. "Damn right, he will. So. What do you need?"

He pulled out a picture from his pocket and dangled it before her eyes. "What the hell is this all about?"

In the photograph stood the Riddler, standing on the rooftop of a burning Arkham Asylum, draping what looked like a sheet painted hastily with a giant question mark over the side. Below him was a swarm of Arkham guards, all of them pointing their guns in the opposite direction of the Riddler, aiming them at what she assumed was Batman who took the picture. It looked like something out of an old war movie or a picture of revolution in some third world country.

Selina covered a grin with her hand, feigning a yawn. "Someone in Arkham slipped the inmates some highly addictive…somethingorother and they're all going through withdrawals. Eddie wanted to get into Arkham to get the files and-"

"Doctor Liddell." Batman finished.

"And Doctor Liddell."

Tucking the photograph back into his belt, Batman bowed his pointed cowl to the ground. "What's the threat?"

"For the time being? I don't think any real innocents are in trouble. Eddie's just got a vendetta right now and he's in tunnel vision mode. Although, I don't know about Liddell." She turned to find the last of his cape disappearing into the night and frowned. "You're welcome."

Slumping in her spot, she scowled at the city skyline, chin in her hands.

An hour passed and she had pulled her knees to her chest, watching the night pass.

Finally she pushed to her feet.

Maybe Ivy could entertain her with a caper or something to pass the time.

* * *

><p>After stopping by her apartment and setting up her newest stray with food and shelter, she headed to the North end of Gotham where Poison Ivy had set up a beautiful little garden in an old, abandoned Chinese restaurant.<p>

The high walls of the garden out back, kept people out and the building provided her with the perfect place to set up a greenhouse.

It was inside the warm, hydroponics lit pagoda style building that she found Ivy, bent over a flower, cooing encouragingly to it.

"What kind of flower is that?" Selina asked.

Ivy pressed a kiss to the bright red petal. "Psychotria poeppigiana." She replied. "Hot lips, to the layman. They're found in what's left of the rainforest." She purred, walking off, leading Selina towards the back of the building. "What brings you around?"

"Boredom."

Ivy glanced over her shoulder. "That's hardly a good excuse. I'm not cheap entertainment, you know?"

"I know. I was hoping you had some caper or something to be done."

"Well, if you really bored, you can go out back and torment my latest victim."

"Trespasser?"

"Of sorts."

Selina beamed wickedly. "Is he good looking?"

"No. He's a pain in my ass."

Just the way Ivy said that, clicked Selina's mind into gear. "You have Eddie out back?" It was only when she said his name that she remembered he was going to meet with Ivy about that plant based chemical.

"The Riddler? If it was him, he'd be dead not half digested. No, I've got the Scarecrow's skinny ass in my trap."

"Take me to him."

Ivy smirked and lead the way out back.

Half in a large Venus flytrap, Jonathan Crane was stuck, his chin cradled in his hands as he pondered his predicament.

"Well, well, well," Selina greeted. "Seems you're in quite the pickle, professor."

He adjusted his noose like it was a necktie. "Keep laughing, Selina. I don't see any humour in the situation."

"So, Eddie didn't have the courage to face Ivy alone, hm?" She returned.

"I'm not singing until someone gets me out of here. My pants are half digested and the enzymes are tickling my legs."

"Oh, for fun." Selina gasped dramatically. "Let's make him sing for his freedom."

Ivy beamed. "I was just going to let my baby eat him, but that sounds fun too."

"Go to hell the both of you."

"Well, that's not very lyrical." Selina said.

"Come on," Ivy purred. "Hum us a few bars, Sinatra."

Folding his arms, Crane glowered to his right, ignoring them.

"Well, at least your plant will get some nutrients." Selina sighed.

Ivy eyed Crane on last time. "Hm, not much meat on his bones, but thankfully my baby eats those too."

"Stars shining bright above you," Crane spat.

"Make it count, Dino." Ivy goaded.

"Night breezes seem to whisper 'I love you'," he went on a little louder and a little more melodically. "Birds singing in the sycamore tree. Dream a little dream of me."

Swaying her hips, Selina danced about a little. "I'm not feeling it as much as I should be."

The Scarecrow, in his monotone, deep voice picked up his pace. "Say nighty-night and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me. While I'm alone and blue as can be. Dream a little dream of me."

"He's not bad." Ivy pointed out. "Sort of a Velvet Fog quality."

"Please God, let me down now. Save me some dignity." He snarled.

Laughing softly, Ivy crossed her arms. "That didn't sound like an entire song to me."

"I will return here with a flamethrower and lay waste to this entire garden." Crane growled.

"Well, that's not really reassuring to me," Ivy said.

"I will put you both in a state of fear that'll last eighty years."

"Better let him down, he's getting grumpy."

"Does this mean no encore, Jon?" Ivy purred, tickling her flytrap to release the Scarecrow.

It spat the man out onto the ground.

His entire lower half was covered in slime and gunk from the plant and his pants were indeed half-digested. The Scarecrow scrambled to his feet, mad as a hornet. "Really undignified of you both, don't you think?"

"I enjoyed it." Ivy replied.

Crossing her arms Selina smiled.

His eyes widened and he touched a hand to the area where his pants pocket should have been, there was nothing but a gaping hole and some thigh showing. "Oh, that's just great."

"Plant has your pipe, huh?" Selina asked.

"Bastard weed." Crane snarled, giving the plant one last baleful glare.

"What brings you around to my neck of the woods, Jonny?" Ivy cooed, leading them back towards the building.

"Demetradin. Ever hear of it?"

"Demetradin…?" Ivy touched a hand to her chin. "It's a poison found in a South Asian orchid, gravatus nocturna. Very rare. The night orchid can only be found on a small handful of tiny islands near Australia." She hopped up onto a worktable and swung her legs. "The poison is found in the pollen of the plant, it's in an effort to attract bees and other pollinators to it in favour of the far more brilliant and sweet smelling flowers that grow around it. However, I call it a poison because it can kill an average sized human if they inhaled enough of it. Thinking of adding poison to your repertoire too?" She asked Crane.

The Scarecrow shook his head. "Can humans get addicted to the Demetradin if they ingest it?"

"I suppose anything's possible if they ingest enough to get them hooked, but not enough to kill them."

"Is there a known treatment for Demetradin addiction?"

Ivy laughed. "Why are you asking, Jon? Are you addicted to flowers?" She leaned in close to him, draping her arms around his neck. "Have you finally embraced the sweetest pollen there is?" She cooed.

He roughly pushed her off.

Ivy, with her hair out of place from Crane's rough shove, smoothed it calmly, despite the fire in her gaze. "Well, if you're addicted to Demetradin, then as far as I know, you're fucked. But, hey, you never know. Mother Nature works in mysterious ways."

"Do you have one of these plants available? Could I study it?'

"I don't and I wouldn't let you poke and prod at one even if I did." She replied. "They're very delicate."

"Well, I suppose I may have to go and uproot even damned vile weed I can find in the Southern hemisphere." Crane snarled.

"Good luck finding the right islands."

"I think," Selina broke in, hoping to keep the peace, "the question should be, who has access to rare orchids from South Asia and why they'd want to get criminals addicted to it." As she said this, her eyes never once left Ivy and after a few seconds, Crane too was eyeing the fiery red head.

Ivy scoffed. "If I wanted you dead, honey," she said, running her hand across his chest as she wandered back towards the flower she was babying when Selina arrived, "I wouldn't have devised such an elaborate and time consuming scheme. I'd just kiss you and seal the deal."

Without a word, Crane turned and wandered off, leaving the building.

"You're welcome, jerk." Ivy called after him. "What was that all about?" She asked Selina.

Catwoman turned her eyes from the door Crane had left through. "I'll explain later."


	14. The Show Must Go On

**JannaKalderash - Me neither!**

**jacksparrowlovesme - Gosh, I hope you're wrong so that the reveal with be all the more sweeter for you. ^_^ (Gosh, I hope the reveal meets expectations).  
><strong>

**Vi - I hate to disappoint (or please you as it seems to be the case), but this chapter is also a nothing much going on chapter, setting things up for a big couple of chapters coming up. Also, your guess about the poetic nonsense is the closest anyone's come so far.**

**Robot521 - Haha, you're welcome. I thought the idea of Crane singing to be freed was amusing, I'm glad you did as well.**

**Attention all readers, I apologize for this filler chapter, it's setting things up for a major couple of chapters coming up soon, so it seems dull and uneventful, but don't worry it's just the calm before the storm.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fourteen: The Show Must Go On<strong>

****Edward****

He was packing for Arizona.

There was a botanist there who studied orchids and Edward was determined to find a cure before Black Mask came around looking for a target to set his sights on.

Stepping outside to load his suitcase into a '55 Buick convertible he bought from a shady crime lord, he found a very familiar form draped over the trunk, feet dangling in the interior.

She looked like a model at a car show, dressed in her casual wear and posed so that all her curves popped.

Edward remembered what he did to a few trees before he was locked up and cringed at the sight of Poison Ivy splayed across his car but ignored her for a moment, setting his suitcase beside the back tire and checking his pockets for the keys.

"Road trip?" She purred, slipping off the back into the front seat to stick her long, toned legs out to dangle over the door.

"Business trip." He replied, opening the trunk.

"Something tells me you're going after a night orchid. The only one in North America is in Arizona."

"Sources would be wrong." He replied sharply.

She grinned. "I'm coming with you."

"No, you're not."

A pair of hands grabbed the trunk and she peered over it at him. "Well, it's like this, Ed. You bring me along to ensure you don't kill the poor thing with your ham fisted ways, or I just kill you here and now for chopping down that stand of aspen behind my greenhouse and feeding them into a wood chipper."

"The stand had to go," he explained casually, closing the trunk lid. "Ever hear of urban expansion?"

Ivy eyed him with neon green eyes. "It wasn't urban expansion, you did it just to piss me off."

Edward grinned. "Did it succeed?"

She glanced away, refusing to answer that. "I'm coming with you."

"Fine." He said. "I'm too tired to really argue, just don't think I'll pay you for your services."

"I only want the plant."

"But you'll still allow us to run tests on it."

"Safe, non-lethal tests, yes. But it'll stay at my greenhouse, deal?"

"Fine, but we get full access to it any time we need."

"Deal."

"Do you have your things packed? It's a two day trip to Arizona."

Ivy smiled. "All we need to do is stop off at my greenhouse."

"Don't make me regret my decision." He said.

"You'll be fine."

* * *

><p>They were driving out on the interstate, when Ivy finally spoke again.<p>

"So, addiction, huh?"

Now, the Riddler and Poison Ivy never really got along. It was two ego's locking horns whenever they were together, but Edward did have to admit that if there was one person he'd trust to keep the orchid alive long enough for him to study it, it would be her. "Seems like."

"Selina says it's been hard on nearly everyone." She went on.

Edward glanced over at her.

She had muted her green flesh to a near human colour, it still retained a touch of green, but to the eye it looked like she merely had an olive complexion, slightly exotic. Her fiery red hair was tucked under a kerchief to fight off the wind, making her look like a classic movie starlet. Strangely enough, her eyes were sincere with concern.

Not for him, of course.

"It has been."

An awkward silence filled the car and Edward reached down to fill it with the radio.

After another long, awkward stretch of road was covered, Ivy spoke again. "I don't usually like old cars like these, too hard on the environment, but it's nice to look at."

"I think the ozone layer is too far depleted for people to try and fix it now. May as well embrace our slow death as a planet."

"Bullshit!" She growled.

Edward smirked. If there was one way to beat awkward conversations, it was to pick a verbal fight.

"Oh, so you think we can repair the damage already done to the earth, then?"

"It's never too late."

"You know, Ivy, that even if everyone on earth stopped using fossil fuels, we'd still have a major problem because of cows, right?"

"Cows aren't the problem, don't pass the buck." She snapped.

"Oh?" He inquired innocently.

"Sometimes I swear you pick fights with me just to entertain yourself," she huffed.

Edward chuckled and turned the car right, heading for Ohio through Northern Pennsylvania. "Sometimes I swear you take the bait because you like me more than you're willing to let on."

"Don't flatter yourself, Ed. You're a two-bit hood in a pea green suit half the time."

"And the other half?"

"You're a stark raving lunatic."

"In a pea green suit," he added.

Ivy's ruby lips drew up in the corners only just.

* * *

><p>They stopped in a little greasy spoon off the highway, where waitresses named Flo flocked for work and filled the lazy blue and dirty white porcelain tiles of the kitchen with their big hair and gaudy make-up.<p>

Edward loved the place. He always was a sucker for cheap bits of Americana.

Ivy perched across from him eyeing the truckers as they hitched up their belts and spit on the sidewalk outside.

"Gee, Pam. You could fit right in with the truck driving sort." Edward said. "You do love flannel, don't you?"

She smiled. "Clever pot shots at my sexuality aside," she said, resting her chin in her hand and her elbow on the table. "How's your love life?"

"Couldn't be better." He replied quickly as the waitress wandered up.

A buxom blonde named Pearl. "Hi there, what can I get you today?" She greeted.

"I'll have the club sandwich and fries." Edward said. "But that's a good club, right? Not the local gun club or anything?"

Pearl giggled. "It's a good club, I can assure you." She scratched his order out. "And you?"

Ivy sneered at the woman coolly. "Steak. No side, no garnish, just the meat on a plate."

"Don't even bother with bringing utensils." The Riddler added. "She'll probably just use her hands to tear into it."

Pearl giggled again and hurried off.

"They must be hard up for men around here," Pam remarked.

Grinning, Edward leaned back in the booth. "What can I say, Pam? I'm good looking and smart, it's a double whammy."

She scoffed. "Keep telling yourself that, Eddie."

* * *

><p>"So, tell me your theories." She said after their meals arrived and they were quietly eating. "You must have someone in mind who wants the Arkham inmates to suffer."<p>

"I have several, but none that I'll share with you."

"Oh, come on, Ed. I'm not going to turn on you."

"Good, keep that in mind." He replied. "How can you eat only meat, it's…it can't be good for you."

She chewed thoughtfully on her piece of steak, before swallowing. "Well, how can vegetarians eat only vegetables? It's actually far crueller for someone to eat vegetables and fruits, because they don't have mouths to cry out in pain. Just because a potato doesn't have a face, doesn't mean it's not cute like a cow."

"But…I mean vitamin deficiencies, you must take pills, hm?"

"I do, to make up for my loss in vitamins, but to tell the truth, meat is delicious. I'd eat human if they sliced one and fried it."

Setting down his sandwich, Edward grinned. "I'm never going to a barbeque in your back yard."

Pam laughed, it was that dark, smoky laugh of hers that rarely emerged from her, but when it did it had a touch of humanity left to it that made whoever she was with grin as well.

Currently, it was the Riddler, beaming back at her.

"You know," he said when they settled, "I've never noticed this before, but you laugh like a little girl."

She quirked a brow. "I'm not sure how to take that."

"It was a compliment." He assured her.

Pam smiled. "Ah. Now I'm suspicious."

"I just think if we're going to be travelling together for four or more days, we should at least be amiable instead of trying to kill one another."

"Fine, but after this trip, I'll still hate you."

"And I'll always rip your plants out by the roots when I can."

Reaching out, they both shook over the salt.

* * *

><p>It was nearly dark.<p>

Edward was busy trying to find his exit, while Pam fiddled with the radio, trying to find a station that offered something other than soft rock.

She settled the radio on a station that played old rock and began to hum along to Del Shannon's Runaway, proving that she was still that nerdy biochemist with the thick glasses that she used to be.

Long after he found the right exit and took it, he pulled the car over.

"Want to trade off?" He asked.

"Sure."

"I'm going to have a five minute stretch first," he said.

As they both got out of the car, Ivy hopped back in to turn up the volume on the radio as Ben E. King came on singing Stand By Me. She danced lightly as the Riddler walked around the car, inspecting his tires.

"I think the only thing the human race has ever done right was music back in the days of my parents." She said, swaying in place.

Edward noticed as she swayed and waved her arms, a multitude of little white buttercups sprouted at her feet, poking through the grass of the approach they were parked in.

"Do you dance, Eddie?" She asked.

"No." He replied, kneeling to check his undercarriage. As he stood and turned, he nearly ran right over Ivy, who peered up at him with a hard gleam in her eye.

"If you want to have a peaceful trip the rest of the way, you'd better start dancing, Ed." She stated.

"I do even worse under pressure," he replied as she wove her arms around his neck and began to move.

After a moment of standing still, he set a hand on her waist and another captured her hand so that they were dancing properly.

"You know," he said. "I tend to step on feet, right?"

"Shut up, I love this song." She said.

As they swayed in the middle of nowhere with an audience of cows in the nearby pasture and trees whispering in a little dell to their right, Edward found Pam had laid her head against his shoulder.

"Music like this always reminds me of my grandfather." She said. "My parents couldn't care less about me, but my gramps…before he died, he used to always bring me a chocolate bar and a can of soda. He lived a few streets down from me."

Stepping on her foot, Edward cringed. "Sorry."

"It's okay. My gramps used to walk over and we'd sit on my front stoop and just talk." She said. "He drove this big boat of a car, kind of like your Buick and he'd always let me flip the signal light switch when we turned corners."

"He sounds like a interesting man," the Riddler said, a little unnerved to have Poison Ivy in his arms spilling her past to him.

"Hm, then one day he didn't come over. I waited on my front stoop for him for five hours. Finally the police came and said he was hit by a car as he was crossing the street. At his age he didn't stand a chance." She finished.

"Huh." He replied.

She laughed into his shirt. "You really don't care, do you?"

"I'm trying."

They swayed a little more.

"What about your family, Ed? What were your parents like?"

"Oh," he sighed, "male, female, Caucasian. Older than me. Well," he shoved her away from him roughly. "Back to it."

Ivy staggered a little, but regained her balance with a sharp glare. "You just can't be decent, can you?"


	15. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

**eatingsupernoodles - It's a madhouse, I tell you! A MADHOUSE! (I've always wanted to do that).**

**bleedy - I kind of love writing them in scenes together too. It's a dirty little fetish of mine to have someone verbally abuse Eddie a little. ^_^**

**Robot521 - Thanks! I can always count on you to make me feel a lot better about a chapter I'm worried about! ^_^ Your reviews always give me confidence!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen: Crazy Little Thing Called Love<strong>

****Selina****

It was raining again.

She headed over to the dealership to see how Eddie and the others were coming along with their addiction.

Selina knew that she wasn't wanted, but she had a cat-like curiosity (call it being nosey if one must) and she just had to know what was going on there.

Inside the dealership all was quiet.

The first people she ran into as she wandered about were Eddie's henchwomen who sneered at her contemptuously.

She could see the women getting their fur fluffed like a couple of territorial alley cats.

"What are you doing here?" The brunette demanded.

"Yeah, get lost, catslut!" The blonde agreed.

Eyeing the two women, Selina scoffed. "Run along and play outside, girls. The grown-up's need to talk."

"Eddie ain't here." The brunette stated. "And if he were, he wouldn't want to see you."

"Yeah, he's got us, whore." The blonde added.

"Eddie only tolerates you."

Flexing her claws, Selina eyed them coolly. "Is there someone of moderate intelligence around here I can talk to? Someone who doesn't have the brain of a flea?"

The blonde pulled a dangerous looking pistol from her thigh holster, she put it back quickly as the Scarecrow stepped into the room.

He took in the situation with a ghost-like smirk. "Don't let me stop you." He said, moving across the room towards Eddie's desk. "Just know," he went on, pausing at the desk, "that Edward might not like it if you shot the cat."

The brunette grabbed hold of her blonde companion's wrist. "Come on, Dee, she's not worth the bullet."

On their way out the two girls slammed into Selina hard, nearly knocking her over.

Selina glared after them. "What a couple of a bitches." She muttered.

Easing behind Eddie's desk, Crane tilted his head. "You threaten them."

"Only once," she replied.

"I mean they see you as competition."

Selina laughed. "For what?"

Without a word, Crane plucked one of Eddie's spare bowlers off the desk and plopped it onto his head, looking at her through his glasses a little impishly.

Ignoring that, she moved to perch on the edge of the desk. "So, is this what you usually do when Eddie's gone? Sit at his desk and pretend you're him?"

"Well, it's better than pretending to be Jervis. He's too…adorable. Plus I tried it earlier and…he's got a dead mouse in his jacket pocket. Also, the sleeves were too short."

"Of course. So, how's the good fight?"

"Well, Edward's off to Arizona and Jervis and I have a date with a few prime suspects from Arkham."

"Oh? Sounds like fun."

"Are you looking for an invite?"

"Of course not." She lied.

"Because you're not invited."

"I know."

"You can't come along with us at about seven tonight when we pay visits to some Arkham employees at their homes."

"Good, I don't want to come."

"Hm, so you won't stop by here tonight."

"Nope."

"Good, get out."

"What ever happened to class, Jon?" She purred.

Pushing the brim of the Riddler's bowler up so that the hat sat higher on his head, Crane tilted his chin. "What do want, Selina? A marching band to play 'The Parting Glass' as you walk away?"

Reaching out, she snatched the hat off his head and ruffled his hair like one would do to a petulant child. "You're not allowed to wear Eddie's hat anymore, you get his attitude."

Sullenly smoothing his hair down, Crane pushed to his towering height and leaned on the desk. "Ever going to be happy, cat?" He inquired.

She studied her claws. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm sure you don't. There's the door." He replied.

Stubbornly, Selina arched her back and slowly fell across the desk, lying there. "You know, Eddie's much more fun than you." She said.

Leaning down, Crane touched noses with her. "But he still doesn't buy your shit either, does he?"

"What's wrong, Jon? Craving something?" She knew it was a hit below the belt, but goddamned she was getting pissed off. Reaching up, she grabbed hold of his ugly paisley tie and yanked hard, tighting it like a noose. "Why don't you run off and puff some of that little green weed of yours and get the hell out of my face."

Crane looked away calmly, before extracting his tie from her claws. "What is your fascination with Edward?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on. Edward's my best and only friend - once Jervis finds out what I did to his mouse - so I feel I'm entitled to know just who the hell is sniffing around and why."

"Please, any interest I have in Eddie or anyone of you is because I feel sorry for you." She said.

"That's what you're going with? Pity?"

"It is pity."

Nodding, Jonathan Crane retook his seat and templed his fingers. "Let me spin you a tale. Forgive me if it gets folksy."

"Please, God, don't let it get folksy." She muttered.

"I'm going to tell you a story about a tom cat. A pathetic, scrawny tom cat who yowls too much and who no one really likes because he thinks he's better than everyone else."

"Gee, who could the cat who be?" She inquired.

"Let me finish," he snapped. "Now, around town this beautiful black cat, absolutely gorgeous beloved queen - I believe they're called."

She nodded.

"This queen, she's fucked every single tom that's sniffed her."

Selina pushed to her feet, but Crane was quick to catch her and pin her back down on the desk.

"I'm not done."

She struggled in his grip, there was no need for claws yet, but she would use them if she had to. There was no way she was going to put up with having to hear his disgusting tale.

"Now, this queen, she's fucked a lot of tom's, and sporadically she comes in and of our tom's life, but she's too good for him. Never considers him, despite the fact that there isn't a tom around whom she hasn't let stick their barb in her."

She kneed him hard, but he ignored it, twisting so that she was at his mercy.

"Tell me, Selina, why would this queen keep coming around to torment this poor tom, especially when he's in as bad a shape as he is now? She gets off on torturing males, on being worshipped by toms she considers mere peons."

Working a hand loose, she slashed at him and Crane leapt backward to avoid the blow.

Selina was on her feet and at the door, ready for a fight. "Go ahead, Jon. Have your say. What do you think of me? I can take it?"

"I'm very fond of you, Selina Kyle." He said. "But you're a very cruel woman."

She straightened from her defensive stance and eyed him warily. "That's it? What the hell did they diagnose you with at the asylum anyways?"

"Conduct disorder."

"Really? I always thought you were a sociopath or something…wait, 'fond of me'? Do you mean…?"

"I'm in love with you." He said simply in that dry, monotone of his.

She took a nervous step back.

"I'm kidding," he went on, still without a smile. "Come, sit down, let's have an adult discussion to end this little moment."

"I'd rather just go." She said.

Finally a cold, humourless smile touched Crane's lips, it wasn't a broad, dashing one like Ed's or a shy, boyish one like Jervis', but it was his version of a smile.

"I made you nervous, have I?"

"Are you sure you're not a psychopath or…something?"

"Positive, my self diagnosis did touch on a bit of anti-social personality disorder, but," he touched his hand to his chest, "my heart still beats for humanity."

She stayed at the door.

"That was a little psycho-analytical humour for you." Extending his long leg under the desk, he toed the chair out. "Sit."

"I'm not a dog," she said, moving to take a seat despite this.

"You know," he said touching a hand to his chin, "I think Edward's sitting on a powder keg, anyways."

"What do you mean?"

"Mixing business and pleasure is never a good idea and if you ask me they were taking advantage of his momentary lapse in judgement."

"Who 'they'?"

Crane's eyes twinkled. "Query and Echo. Those two have lusted after him for years, they just needed an in."

"Yeah, but Eddie wouldn't."

"Already has. Twice as far as I can tell. Living in close quarters you tend to hear things."

Selina was quiet for a moment, before shaking herself. "When was this?"

"Last night, the night before…who knows how long it's been going on?"

"Well," she breathed, "if it makes him happy."

"Post climactic euphoria isn't a good replacement for true happiness, but then again I've always doubted the existence of 'true happiness'. Edward's problem isn't that, so much as it's the fact that he needs to keep his business," Crane held up a hand, then another at a fair distance from each other, "and his pleasure separate."

"It's none of our business." Selina said, hoping it didn't come out huffy. "He can fuck those sluts till doomsday for all I care."

"Exactly," Crane replied, pushing to his feet. "I have to go to the washroom, don't be here when I get back."

Absently watching Crane go, she turned her eyes onto the pull out couch and quirked a brow at it. Her pride was a little wounded, but she'd be fine.


	16. Hammer To Fall

**jacksparrowlovesme -Thanks. I know some people favour the nerdy, awkward Jonathan Crane, but I personally think he's best when he's a grumpy, misanthrope type.**

**Robot521 - Well, you're in for a treat then if you like a lot of Crane, I have this chapter and the next, then an entire chapter from Crane's POV .**

**Vi - Mah, you make me blush with your compliments! Yeah, but I do find in my writing I'm more character centred, instead of plot centred. I enjoy writing dialogue, but action scenes just aren't my bag and coming up for reasons for those actions scenes and turning it into some kind of plot are even worse for me.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixteen: Hammer To Fall<strong>

****Edward****

It was two days and some hours before they arrived in Holbrook just near the Petrified Forest National Park.

Doctor Vanderhoen's greenhouse and home were somewhere on the outskirts and by the time they pulled up, Ivy had twisted her hair up and slipped on a pair of glasses to look more professional.

Edward would have teased her about the glasses, had he not been so anxious to speak with the man, more anxious to club him and steal his flower, but the man must have known something too he supposed.

Stepping out onto the dry ground of the Arizona desert, he brushed the dust off his pants from where it rolled, catching up with them from driving.

It was beautiful land, but dry and hot as hell. Edward wasn't really a desert type.

Even Ivy seemed to be wilting under the blazing sun and she constantly raised her hand to fan at herself.

Stepping onto the front step of his trailer, Edward knocked politely and waited, as Ivy looked around eagerly for a view of the greenhouse.

"It's probably out back," he explained to her.

"I know that, jackass." She hissed.

Deciding to ignore that one, the Riddler knocked again. "Doctor Vanderhoen?"

Ivy pushed up onto her tiptoes to peer into a nearby window, she cupped her hands over the glass.

Edward knocked again. "Doctor Vanderhoen? We're botanists from Gotham U, we called yesterday!" He called out.

Ivy, at another window, dropped to her heels. "Something's wrong."

"Did you see him?"

She brushed a stray strand of hair off her face. "What's left of him."

Without hesitation, Edward backed up and taking aim at the sensitive area by the door handle, kicked the door open

They piled in.

In an easy chair sat what remained of Doctor Vanderhoen, his body upright, his head in his lap.

"Jesus," Edward remarked, cringing from the smell of decomp in a hot tin trailer.

Carefully avoiding the blood pools to avoid leaving evidence at another man's crimescene, Edward was heading for something curious sticking out from under an old, retro style sofa.

With his gloves, he carefully picked it up.

It was a piece of torn paper, but it became inconsequential after his focus turned on what else was under the sofa.

The bright red numbers were counting down.

"Ivy," he said, tucking the paper into his pocket. "Go start the car."

"Why?"

The bright red numbers switched to 1:04.

"Just do what you're told for once." He commanded steadily. "Back it the hell out of here unless you want to walk through the desert back into town."

He heard her footsteps thumping quickly on the deck out front and soon the car started, meanwhile he carefully drew the bomb out from under the sofa.

The numbers rolled over to :56 as he set it on the seat of the sofa.

Quickly he looked around at the place, searching for evidence.

It was an awfully big coincidence that the only man on the continent of North America who studied night orchid's exclusively was beheaded and his place set to blow. He was about to abandon his search for clues and just grab the damned flower out of the greenhouse, when he turned to find a black dressed, masked intruder standing in the doorway of the trailer.

The man lunged at him with a sword, a katana from the looks of it.

Edward blocked with his cane.

The suicidal bastard was going to get blown up with the trailer.

His assailant was a very good physical fighter, kicks and punches were thrown along with the slash of the sword, but Edward had a trick or two up his sleeve.

Pressing a little button on the side of his cane, released a puff of acid in the man's face. It wasn't potent enough to chew through everything it touched, but in someone's delicate eye membrane it was powerful enough.

Still, the man fought with everything he had like an automaton.

Fending off the attacks, the Riddler glanced at the countdown clock.

He wasn't doing very well on time as the red numbers flashed :32.

The trailer began to rumble underneath their feet and Edward glanced over his attacker to find Ivy standing in the doorway, her hands held out.

Soon a vine broke through the flooring and wound around the attacker, the man turned his attention on hacking at the vines and Edward broke loose, taking hold of Ivy by the wrist on his way out.

They ran across the dirt road, heading for the area of desert where Ivy left the car.

"Wait the plants!" Ivy protested.

The Riddler kept a firm grip on her wrist, refusing to let her go, dragging her along with him. "Don't be stupid!"

"But I can save-"

The trailer went up, heat and force from the explosion sending both of them onto their asses.

Edward landed against a goddamned cream cactus, but ignored it because Ivy was on her feet, heading back for the trailer, or rather the greenhouse behind.

There wasn't much left.

"Ivy," Edward protested, catching up with her near the road. "It's gone!"

Pushing him away, she continued on towards the building behind the engulfed trailer.

The greenhouse was pretty well decimated. It was too close to the trailer to have had any chance of surviving the blast.

When she saw this she fell to her knees. "Bastards!"

Kneeling at her side, Edward was unsure what to do to comfort her. Harley was easy, a hug and she was good, Selina needed assuring words in a soothing voice, but Ivy…well he'd never had to comfort her before and to tell the truth, comforting people made him feel awkward and it wasn't really his kind of thing.

"We'll get whoever did this," he said. "We'll get the herbicidal bastards."

"That's not funny," she sobbed softly.

Pulling out his handkerchief, he snapped it open and offered it to her. "I wasn't trying to be funny, I was trying to be accurate."

She ignored the handkerchief.

Knowing her kisses could kill, he was a little reluctant to wipe her tears for her, but after a few inconsolable minutes, took the plunge, carefully daubing at her eyes.

"Would you feel better if you called me an 'idiot'?" He asked when her tears continued to fall, it was an offer he had never willingly gave anyone, but he knew it might cheer her a little to question his intellect.

Weakly she pushed him away. "Idiot."

"I'm not feeling the burn," he replied.

"Shut up," she snapped.

He smirked a little. "Ouch."

Her tears stopped eventually and she sniffled one last time as the flames died out in the greenhouse.

"If it makes you feel better, I took a cactus to the ass." He tried one last time.

Ivy smiled a little, causing her tears to die away completely. "Good," she stated, pushing to her feet.

As they quietly turned from the greenhouse and the trailer, Edward did an exaggerated limp, favouring his right buttcheek as he walked.

Her smile broadened a little. "Does it hurt?"

"Yep."

"Good." She repeated.

"We'll get whoever killed your plants," he assured her as they got into the car. He angled his ass so the prickers didn't stick further in.

He already had a good idea where to start looking.


	17. Killer Queen

**jacksparrowlovesme - Teehee. Mole. Whenever I hear the word mole I think of Alfred in The Mole People. Good times.  
><strong>

**Vi - I was channeling some serious CSI in that scene with the head in the lap. **

**Pinkqueen - You oughtta get that cough checked. It doesn't sound right.**

**Robot521 - Well he is a genius, he'd know these things. Not saying he'd actually comfort them, he just knows how to shut them up.**

**The Lord of War - You missed this story? Are you referring to the two non-chapters that came about just to set up the action? Because I have to agree with you, I too missed this story. ^_^ Thanks for the review, your grace.**

**Well, since this is the last chapter in this part of the series, I think now is a good enough time to explain the title as the question's been raised.**

**Cardboard Monsters is a reference to a blurb my English teacher once wrote on an essay of mine. 'Human beings are like cardboard monsters, they look fearsome enough, but in reality they're delicate and can only hold so much inside'. It's a stupid artsy title, but I'm terrible at titles so...meh. Expect the title of Part II to suck just as badly. ^_^  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventeen: Killer Queen<strong>

****Selina****

As she wandered into the dealership later that night, she found things in a hell of an upset.

Crane was running around collecting things, while Query and Echo loaded things into a black van.

Jervis sat in the middle of the room drinking tea by the buckets and watching things unfold.

"What's going on?" She asked Crane as he stormed past her.

The Scarecrow looked like he hadn't even noticed her as he thrust some things into her arms.

"Mass evacuation. Someone's after us."

"Who?"

"Edward didn't specify when he called Echo, simply gave her the evacuation code and hung up." Crane muttered. "I'm not even sure if they're after us or him, all I know is I'm heading for the highlands to escape the flood."

Hustling to the van, she set the things into for Query to put away further inside. Neither henchwoman said anything to her, they were too focused on working.

Hurrying after Crane, Selina asked. "Where are you going?"

Picking up a large stuffed white rabbit from Query's office, Crane tossed it at her.

"I haven't thought that far ahead. Edward Nygma says run, I don't generally stop until I'm in my fox hole. Probably the warehouse."

Peering around the rabbit, Selina frowned, but hurried to load the thing.

Outside, she found Query and Echo both on top of the van, watching a helicopter as it approached. It was black, no markings to give it away.

"Jon!" Selina called out.

The Scarecrow joined her, Jervis's coat collar held in a firm fist, the man dangling like a puppet.

"Oh, me." The Mad Hatter muttered.

"Cops?" Crane asked.

Selina shook. "Nope."

"Feds?"

"Could be, but I'm looking at those guns on the runners there." She replied, pointing to a pair of dark weapons mounted on the helicopter. "Feds usually have ground troops to go with those guns."

"How the hell did they find us and who the hell are they?" Crane snarled, pushing her and the Mad Hatter roughly into the van, Jervis had just enough time to save his March Hare, before Crane closed the doors.

Before she could react, she heard shots, Query and Echo and Crane all piled into the front of the van and while bullets rained into the van through the roof and Selina huddled to avoid being shot, Echo started the van. It couldn't get a good grip on the loose gravel at the speeds which everyone wanted it to go at, but when it did it's ass end fishtailed and it took off.

For the longest time chaos reigned. Gunshots and the sound of the helicopter drained out anything happening in the van, the bullets whumped against the roof of the van and cut through the metal like a hot knife through butter.

Something warm hit Selina's face and she knew from the smell it was blood.

Crane was leaning in the back shouting something at her, she couldn't hear him.

Finally he motioned frantically to a weapon she was seated near.

She handed it off to him.

In the darkness of the van, she couldn't up from down.

Then someone fired something from the van and the air filled with ozone.

Above the van the sounds of the helicopter's blades drew nearer and she knew it was descending closer to them.

Meanwhile they sped down the dark Gotham streets.

And then Crane fired his weapon again, this time laughing madly as the sounds of the helicopter quickly died out and then an explosion lit up the night and Selina saw a split second of her surroundings as behind them the helicopter crashed into the road.

The force of the explosion rocked the van and suddenly things went to shit.

Thrown against the roof of the van, she heard and felt the impact, before sudden blackness.

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><p>Her ears were ringing.<p>

Even before she opened her eyes and realized she was still alive, but she wished she was dead.

Everywhere hurt, she couldn't pick a place to feel sorry about.

Someone was hovering over her and as the black faded to grey and became blurred images of abstract life, she recognized the voice.

"Get up, catslut, the cops are coming." Query ordered.

She didn't want to move, but she didn't want to be arrested either.

Selina tested the waters and opened her eyes fully.

The sounds of sirens were squealing in the distance, but around her the van was still black and filled with debris and junk.

She lay pinned under that stupid white rabbit and pushed it off her.

Well, her right arm was still functional.

"March Hare?" Jervis warbled from somewhere nearby.

"Come on, Professor Crane," Echo commanded from the front. "Get up!"

Suddenly the back doors of the van were wrenched open and Selina saw for the first time that she was sitting on the roof of the van, that it had gone belly up. Query and Echo skipped out of the front, fleeing on foot, leaving Crane dead or passed out in the front.

Nightwing peered into the back of the van with a smirk, he whistled low. "Looks like shake 'n bake, ma." He greeted, eyeing everything with quick, sharp eyes.

Selina cringed, not because of the pain, but she was in no mood to fight him and she really didn't want anyone to be arrested.

Carefully, the hero stepped into the van.

"Everybody who's dead, put up a hand." He said, kneeling down to check Jervis for injuries and possibly tie him up for the cops.

The Mad Hatter, too busy weeping over the loss of his rabbit, didn't even take notice.

"Jervis, run." She gasped.

Looking up, the Mad Hatter finally spotted the danger and pushed Nightwing down hard and fast, beating a retreat out of the van as fast as he could limp.

Nightwing turned on her and wagged a finger. He seemed to be in less of a fighting mood and more curious about the crash, which worked in their favour. "That's not very fair, Selina."

She tried to get to her feet or at least crawl, but her legs weren't working.

Moving to her side, he checked her over.

The sirens were getting closer.

"Don't," she panted. "Don't arrest us tonight." She pleaded softly, pushing herself into a higher sitting position.

He touched a hand to her forehead and tilted her head back carefully. "What?"

"Please…let them get away?" She said.

Nightwing studied her long and hard. "Why?"

Something dropped onto the roof beside them and Selina glanced over to find Crane, bleeding profusely through his burlap mask, peering back at them.

Nightwing leapt out of the van just as fear gas filled the area, Selina in his arms.

Gently he lay her on the cold pavement and hopped off to go after Crane.

She tried, struggled to drag herself off into the night, but her legs were both fucked. Pain and blood were all they seemed to be at the moment.

Thankfully she felt someone kneel and collect her in their arms.

Jervis peered down at her with wide blue eyes. "Come on, Cheshire, better to eat the tarts and run then to stay behind and lose one's head." He said.

"Crane," she whispered, raising a weak hand to motion in the direction of the van.

The night began to dance and spin as he rose with her and Selina struggled to stay awake, but she was losing her grip on herself and slipped off into the darkness.

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><p><strong>End Part I<strong>

**Part II coming soon...**


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